I Blame Iendil Ancawen Entirely
by crazyroninchic
Summary: A Mary Sue is dropped into MiddleEarth with every intent to wreck havoc. Join one normal, canon abiding girl in her quest to stop the Sue. Poor Legolas...poor Frodo...poor Fellowship!
1. So No Teh Perfect

I Blame Iendil Ancawen Entirely

Summary: A Mary Sue is dropped into Middle-Earth with every intent to wreck havoc. Join one normal, canon-abiding girl in her quest to stop the Sue.

Chapter One: Not teh Perfect

Iendil Ancawen was perfect.

Plain and simple, this fact could not be refuted by any.

She had golden blonde hair that cascaded down her back like a waterfall and shined brighter than the sun. Bystanders had been known to be struck blind by her radiance and walk into trees.

Her eyes were at times the deep blue of the ocean, or the bright green of the forest. Sometimes they were honey-colored, and sometimes they made up every color of the rainbow, shining with the lights of a thousand jewels. Males of every species were captivated by these beautiful orbs, unless they were first made nauseous by the rate at which the colors changed.

Her figure was gracefully strong, but slender, a graceful display of feminine grace. Not a single defect was present on her skin, which glowed with a mystical, ethereal light. The fact that Iendil could not spell 'ethereal' if her life depended on it should be ignored.

As should the fact that Iendil Ancawen's name, roughly translated with a basic Elvish dictionary, actually means Lover of Maidens (we will not even bring up the fact that her last name means Maiden of the Jaws). But we won't go into that, and what Iendil Ancawen doesn't know won't hurt her…

Her fighting skills were surpassed by no one on Earth, and she fought with a delicate yet powerful—you guessed it—grace. She was also a scholar of languages, and was a self-professed master of Elvish. Since Lord of the Rings is her favorite movie, and all.

So, of course, Iendil Ancawen was destined to wake up in some random forest two miles from Rivendell, in Middle-Earth, and be rescued by a random, attractive member of the male species and go on to ruin canon as we know it.

Middle-Earth would be an escape for our tortured heroine from the abuse she was subjected to daily by her stepmother's cousin's sister's fiancé's brother's son's math teacher's husband's pool boy. She was so tragic.

And she was also currently very confused. More so than usual, I mean.

Because thus far, her plan had been going very well. Very well, indeed. Her dream of Legolas sweeping her off her feet onto his white horse and riding off into the sunset ended with her opening her eyes to see trees all around her.

"I, like, must be in middle-earth! Yay me!"

But after staring at several trees—we all know how interesting they are—her violet-pink eyes came to rest on another person in the random-clearing she woke up in.

This girl was so not teh perfect. Her hair was dull brown with no style. Her eyes were just plain old blue. She wore baggy jeans and a t-shirt, and gasp no make-up!

"Like, OMG!!!eleven!"

The new girl looked up at Iendil and her eyes widened. "Shit."

Iendil fluffed her golden hair. "Like, I know I'm just teh gorgeous, but do u really need to use such language?"

The girl ignored her comment. "Where are we?" she questioned. Then she mumbled "Mary Sue," under her breath. Of course, Iendil's Elf-like hearing caught that, and she giggled like a squirrel on helium.

"Silly, my name is Iendil Ancawen, not Mary Sue!!!"

The girl sat in silence, taking in that bit of information. Then realization hit her, and a smile crept across her face. Iendil didn't know what was so funny about her introduction, but remember, she really isn't as good at Elvish as she proclaims she is.

"_Nai Valaraukar tye-mátar_," the new girl put out tentatively. When all she got was a blank smile and a nod from Iendil, she sighed. "So you don't speak Elvish."

Iendil blinked. "No, I do! May governarorn. Handon lays. Ellen sees la lumannen of mentos telly vogue."

The girl sat and stared, her jaw hanging open.

"I know, impressive, right?" Iendil giggled. "But you never told me your name, BFF!"

The girl's face took on a deer-in-headlights look. "Since when am I your 'BFF'?" she let derision drip from the pronunciation of the chatspeak, knowing that Iendil was too oblivious to notice.

"Since we have traveled together to Middle-earth to go on a fun adventure with the totally hawt Fellowship!"

"We're in Arda?!"

"Where?"

She resisted the urge to beat her head against a tree trunk.

"Just…never mind. We'd better find Rivendell before we get eaten by Orcs."

"That would never happen! Leggy would come to save me! Or Aragorn, or Pippin, or Elrond, or Haldir, or Eomer, or Faramir, or—"

"Kill me now."

"Hey, you never did tell me your name."

"It's Jo."

"What, like, the guy's name?"

"No, dummy, Jo as in Joanna."

"That's so plain! I think I'll make up a new name for you!" Iendil begin to think hard. Jo thought she could vaguely smelled smoke, and covered up her laughter with a cough.

After about ten minutes of blessed silence, Iendil's face lit up. "I know! How about I call you Lissiomalintenen?!!"

Jo growled under her breath. "Go right ahead, if you have a death wish."

Iendil was surprisingly quiet the rest of the short hike to Rivendell. 

* * *

Translation:

May Balrogs eat you.

And Iendil was trying to say, Mae govannen. Hannon le. Elen síla lumenn' omentielvo.

I hope people enjoyed this. I have a bit more written, and if I get enough positive feedback to tell me that people want to read more, I'll keep posting.

Thanks for reading!

CRC


	2. Sueicidal Thoughts

Chapter Two: Sue-icidal Thoughts

The walk to Rivendell was neither long nor strenuous. It was but a few miles over flat terrain, through sunlit forests filled with the singing of birds. It would have been quite beautiful and peaceful.

However, when Iendil decided to chime in (loudly), the birds fled to the skies. As would have Jo, if she could sprout wings on command. Iendil probably could, but her freakish Sue powers were beside the point.

After Jo threatened her with bodily harm if the music continued, Iendil stayed quiet for about .01 of a second. Oh, a new record! Then she began to regale Jo with tales of the harshness of her life back home. How all the boys in school loved her, and the girls were jealous and mean to her. After an hour of this, Jo was about five seconds from committing seppuku. But the odd pair suddenly cleared the trees around them and found themselves staring down into a valley. There, nestled in the trees, was the city of Rivendell.

Jo caught up her breath in her throat. Arda was truly a wonderful place overall, but if she had to choose one place to visit, it would be Imladris. Next to her, Iendil let out a squeal of glee and bounced up and down, clapping her hands together delightedly.

Only then did the full gravity of her situation hit Jo. She was in Middle-Earth…as a companion of a Mary Sue! The sacred canon that Sues seem to get grotesque enjoyment out of massacring was in danger, and she was the only one who could prevent this!

Well, it could also be prevented if the Elves on guard duty shot them as soon as they entered Rivendell, but Jo would really rather prefer to live. And as dark as times were, she seriously doubted that Elves would do anything of the like. And if they did, she always had Iendil for a shield.

Iendil took her hand to lead her into the city, and Jo winced. She was contaminated. Now she would start pining for hot males, lose half her IQ, and gain ridiculously and improbably beautiful features. They had not gone two feet into Imladris before a voice called out commandingly.

"_Daro_!"

Jo froze in her tracks, and tugged on Iendil's arm to stop her. "He told us to halt, moron."

"…I like knew that."

"Right."

"_Man carel le_?" came the voice again, "_O man dôr túliel le_?" The speaker revealed himself to be a tall Elf with golden blond hair and bright blue eyes. Jo guessed it was Glorfindel.

Jo was hard-pressed to recall the little Elvish she knew. She mentally berated herself for taking interest mainly in the insults. She couldn't very well tell _The_ Glorfindel to 'go jump in Mount Doom'. She'd probably end up on the pointy end of a sword for that one. That would be pretty funny prank to pull on Iendil, though. She could see it now…

Jo: Hey, do you want to know how to profess your undying love for Glorfindel?

Iendil: Like, yeah!!!!1

Jo: (whispers in her ear)

Iendil: Hey, Glorfy! _Labo vi Orodruin_!!!

Glorfindel: (shoots her)

Jo: (laughs evilly)

Her thoughts were disturbed by Iendil maiming the Elvish language. Again.

"Sooieliadd. Ellen silvia amenn oh men the elbows!"

Glorfindel flinched backwards so violently that he nearly lost his balance and fell over. Jo put a hand over Iendil's mouth before she gave the Elf a coronary.

"Greetings, my lord." Jo said, bowing politely, one hand still covering her companion's mouth. "We have come seeking Imladris as a safe haven in the midst of our travels."

The Elf nodded. "And here you shall find one. But Lord Elrond requests a meeting with you, he had sensed your coming."

Jo wasn't really startled to find that she could both understand and speak Common Speech. Heck, she had just been deposited by an unknown force into a supposedly-fictional universe with Elves and orcs and flaming eyeballs. Stranger things have happened than her suddenly understanding a completely foreign language.

Glorfindel turned and began to walk towards one of the buildings. He beckoned them to follow.

Jo ignored Iendil squealing about how she would get to meet Elrond, and make funny Matrix jokes about him and his eyebrows. Jo, however, upon finally being introduced to Lord Elrond, had no intentions what so ever to EVER make fun of him. He was unbelievably intimidating, like how she pictured King Thranduil to be. But, that could have been because he was slightly suspicious of them and their strange manner of dress.

"Welcome to Imladris—"

"Mr. Anderson!" squealed Iendil suddenly, interrupting the Elf Lord in the middle of his sentence. If looks could kill, she would be dead two times over, since Jo was also quite indignant at her disrespect. And she was also a bit cranky. Because she realized that the way things were going, she would have one of two choices:

1. Go along with Iendil as she inevitably intrudes upon the Fellowship, and face many unknown dangers with a sickening Mary Sue, or…

2. NOT go on the mission of almost certain death (for her) and abandon the Fellowship and Arda to the horrors that a Sue can unleash.

Jo shifted restless as Iendil tried to seduce Elrond like she tried with Glorfindel. She had about as much success.

Which, for those who aren't sure, is absolutely none.

"What I am still unclear about," began Elrond, detaching Iendil from his arm like one who is swatting an annoying fly away (which is an insult to flies), "Is how you two young ladies came to be on a journey all by yourselves, so far from the settlements of Man, save Bree. What is your purpose for this traveling?" He arched and eyebrow and Iendil giggled. Jo discreetly sucker-punched her in the stomach. She knew Elrond saw, but the fact that he didn't say anything relieved her.

The thing she had been somewhat worried about was the effect that Iendil would have on the people in this world. Although Jo found her abominable, she was a female. Would the males end up simpering over her? But now it was clear, at least by Glorfindel and Elrond's examples, that this was not the case.

_It certainly makes my job a lot easier if no one can stand her…_Jo mused with a barely-concealed smirk.

Translations:

"What are you doing? What land do you come from?"

Thanks for all the awesome reviews!

CRC


	3. Violation of Privacy

A/N: I've been able to get these three chapters up so quickly because I already had them written before I posted this new story. Unfortunately, from chapter four on, I have to write as I go, so I'm sorry to say that the time between updates will be a bit longer. But I will do my darndest to remain consistent. Thanks for all the wonderful reviews!

Chapter Three: Violation of Privacy

By some miracle, Elrond decided that they were indeed not a threat to his household or his people, and allowed them to stay. Perhaps it was the fact that neither girl was armed, and the only one who could fight was too brainless to hatch an evil plot.

A dark-haired Elf led them to the rooms that they would be sleeping in. Jo was watching the scenery and architecture around her, vaguely trying to guess who this Elf was. Iendil was busy staring at the Elf's butt.

Looking very uncomfortable at the invasion of his privacy, the Elf stopped at a door and gestured inside. "Here is your room. I hope you will be comfortable. My room and my brother's is right down the hall, if you have any questions."

Another Elf joined them as he said this, and Jo looked up and did a double-take. "Twins…" she breathed. Then her eyes widened in realization. "Are you Elladan and Elrohir, the twins sons of Lord Elrond?!"

Looking slightly confused, the second Elf nodded. "Aye, milady. You have heard of us then?"

Jo fought to contain a distinctly girly squeak. Geez, she was such a fangirl. At least she wasn't as bad as Iendil. She couldn't really be blamed. Of all the Elves, the twins interested her the most, and she wished there was more about them in the books. And now they were right in front of her, with identical puzzled looks on their faces.

A smile formed on her face. "Yes, I have been told of the antics of the sons of Elrond. Quite impressive."

The new twin, who she guessed to be Elladan, grinned broadly. Jo was a little taken aback to see such a blatant display of emotion from an Elf. "Ah, do I detect the admiration of a fellow prankster?"

"Perhaps…"

"She only just arrived, but she's like a sister to me!" sniffled Elladan dramatically. "It does my heart good."

Elrohir rolled his eyes.

Iendil watched the conversation, looking extremely confused. She obviously still did not even know who these two were, judging by the bewilderment in her eyes.

"Wait…Elrond like has sons?" she said after some time, looking disappointed. "Like wait, does he have a wife, too?"

Jo winced, and saw the pain in the twins' eyes. As a way of making them feel better, a way of releasing her anger at her insensitivity, and just because she felt like it, Jo decked Iendil. It was a rather sudden action that caught the ditz by surprise, knocking her ass out cold.

Elladan and Elrohir jumped back in surprise as Jo lashed out, and watched somewhat warily as she cracked her knuckles.

She turned and looked over at them with a smile. "Sorry to startle you, but she had it coming, being so nosy. And you have NO idea how much pent-up rage you get when traveling with her for any extended period of time."

Elrohir smirked. "I'll make a note of that. And thank you for…putting a temporary end to your friend's inconsiderateness."

Jo held up her hands. "Whoa, number one—she is not and never will be anything even closely resembling my friend. And two, it isn't right for males to hit a lady…so I did it for you." She grinned.

"Well," Elladan said. "Since 'Lady Iendil' is currently…indisposed…shall we take just you on a tour of Imladris?"

Jo went starry-eyed. "I would love to see more of this fair city."

"Excellent, let's go."

By the time Jo got back to her room, Iendil had woken up. Only a slight bruise marred her perfect little face, and she seemed to have forgotten all about what Jo had done. She beamed stupidly at Jo when she walked into the room they shared.

"Hi! Where have you been, I was bored!"

Jo shrugged. "Around." She said vaguely.

"Well, it's like almost dinner time, so I'm gonna get in my prettiest dress." She giggled. "I think I'll like serenade Elrond and Glorfy tonight!"

"You do that." _Remind me to leave dinner early tonight. _

"So, like, you've seen the movies, right?"

"Yeah…and I've read the books."

"What books?"

Jo almost screamed.

Iendil looked confused for a second, then waved a hand dismissively. "Like, anyway. How much longer do you think it will be like before Ary gets here with the Hobbits?"

Jo was about to respond and then did a double take. "I'm sorry—Ary?"

Iendil examined her nails. "Like you know, that Ranger guy."

Jo at this point had developed a nasty eye twitch, but she fought to be civil. "ARAGORN should arrive in about a week, if I have my timeline right."

"What?! That is like soooooo long!!!1 It only like takes a few hours for Arwen to like bring Frodo here, what's taking so long?" she whined.

"Well, actually, the journey is about 18 days, I think. But Glorfindel set out a while ago. Like I said, they should be here in about a week."

"Glorfindel?"

"The blond one." No way was she going to stoop to Iendil's level and call him—

"Glorfy?"

Yeah, that.

"Sure."

Jo wordlessly left the room. Only when she was a good distance down the hall did she stifle a scream into the fabric of her dress.


	4. Dinner Disaster

Chapter 4: Dinner Disaster

Elrond had a pained expression on his face as Iendil waltzed into the dining area and took the seat right next to him. Jo trailed in behind her…quite a ways behind her. The twins shot her sympathetic looks. Clearly they had heard her screaming in the halls.

All those present settled down to dinner, and a soft hum of conversation soon filled the hall amid the clink of silverware. Jo rolled her eyes. Of course, she got stuck sitting next to Iendil, who was escorted to another seat so that Arwen could sit. Iendil kept shooting Glorfindel furtive glances that Jo guessed were supposed to be seductive.

But failed.

Taking pity on Jo's plight, Elladan and Elrohir beckoned her over to the vacant seat next to them.

Feeling more grateful than ever before, Jo stood and turned to Iendil. "I'm going to—" she then noticed that Iendil was too busy making Bambi eyes at Glorfindel to even notice that the wine goblet she was filling was overflowing onto the tablecloth. "…Yeah." She left quickly.

Sliding into the chair with a sigh of relief, she let her head sink down onto the table.

"What are you doing?" came Elrohir's amused voice.

"Regaining my IQ…"

"Ah, so she's contagious?" Elladan smirked. Or so Jo imagined, considering her head was still on the table and the only thing she could see was the pretty embroidery of the tablecloth.

"Very. Watch out."

They laughed, and soon lapsed into a conversation in Elvish, no doubt about their upcoming scouting venture.

Jo wandered aimlessly around the halls of Imladris, not really caring where she ended up, as long as it was far away from…_her_. Over the course of the last week, Iendil had really mastered the skill of being both supremely annoying and ever-present.

Jo was so engrossed in her indignation that her wandering was stopped abruptly by…

A tree.

"OW! Sonuva—" she yelped, rubbing her throbbing nose.

A dry chuckle drifted around the tree trunk and Jo there discovered Glorfindel. She peered down at him, confused. He glanced up at her and sighed.

"I don't think I need to tell you of all people how hard it is to escape the attentions of your…companion."

Jo winced. "Well, after today, you'll be off the hook."

Glorfindel blinked at her expression.

"Strider is coming soon, is he not?"

The blond Elf lord nodded.

"The poor, poor man." Jo sighed, shaking her head sadly.

"You may want to warn the Lady Arwen…"

"I'd rather not…despite the saying, I really wouldn't blame Arwen for killing the messenger, in this case."

He let out a silvery laugh.

"But don't worry. I think my purpose here is to prevent her from messing things up. I'll think of something…"

Jo wasn't present Strider and the Hobbits arrived. She was up in her room, wracking her brains for a solution to the big, irritating problem that was Iendil Ancawen.

"Maybe I could kill her…no, I'm too much of a coward…I could get someone to torture her…no, she'd probably enjoy that…I could poison her…but Elrond already doesn't trust me, I can't go asking him for poison…" Jo lapsed into silence. "…ARGH!!!"

Only when a maid came to summon her for dinner did she leave the room.

Plopping down in her new seat, she let out a long-suffering sigh and dished some food onto her plate. She looked up and froze. Elladan and Elrohir were deep in conversation with a bearded man. He had dark brown hair and was the spitting image of Viggo Mortensen.

"Oh…CRAP. Today's the day?!"

The new man looked up at her, startled. "I beg your pardon, milady?"

Jo didn't have the chance to respond because the doors to the dining hall were suddenly thrown open with a terrific bang. All the Elves present jumped about a foot out of their chairs and clapped their hands over their ears in pain.

"ARYYYYYY!!!!!!!11"

Aragorn's face took on a deer-in-headlights look. Even with the dreadful nickname, he knew that the insane person at the door was coming for him.

Elladan cursed sharply in Elvish. Iendil was skipping gleefully (if not a little crazily) towards them.

Glorfindel turned to Jo. "Now would be a good time to put that plan of yours into action!"

"That'd be a lot easier if I actually HAD a plan!" Jo exclaimed.

"We really need to get Estel out of here!" Elrohir muttered; Iendil was close enough for them to see the glint in her eyes.

"A diversion, a diversion…" Jo murmured, thinking hard. Then a thought popped into her mind. "A-ha!" She ran.

Skidding right into Iendil's path, she stopped.

"Oh my Gosh, look! It's Legolas!" Jo exclaimed, pointing behind Iendil. The Sue let out an excited squeak and whirled around. While she was distracted, Glorfindel and the twins hurried a frightened Aragorn out of the hall.

After five minutes of looking behind her, Iendil turned back around, looking disappointed. Jo hid her smirk just in time. "Oh, man, that stinks. You just missed him."

Iendil brightened again. "Oh wellz! I have Ary anyway!!!" she glanced around. "Like, where is he?"

Jo came up with an excuse as quickly as she could. So of course it was quite lame. "Uh, yeah, you saw his, um…brother! Yes, his brother! Who is visiting for a little while!"

Iendil smiled. "Silly, I like know that Ary doesn't have like a brother!"

Jo's face fell. Crap. Did this Sue actually know something about the LotR universe?

"He does have quite a few long-lost sisters. I'm friends with a lot of them!" Iendil put in cheerfully.

Jo was not the only one who almost fell over at that comment.


	5. We Need a Plan

AN: Wow, I am very proud of myself. I had planned to post chapter five on Friday, so I started writing a bit of it today so I didn't leave it all for then. But before I knew it, the chapter was done! My muses are thriving or something! So, I have this chapter posted waaay earlier than I thought I would, which may mean that I can get another one up this weekend. I'm thinking this will be a pretty long story, since Iendil is probably going to follow the Fellowship the whole way…

So, anyway, here is the next chapter, enjoy!

Chapter 5: We Need a Plan

"What in the name of the Valar are we going to DO?!" Jo cried out in frustration as she paced around Elrond's study. Elrond was present, along with Elladan, Elrohir, Arwen, Aragorn, and Glorfindel. The latter was looking a little too relieved that Iendil's attentions had moved on from him. Arwen was looking rather homicidal, which was quite disturbing.

"The Council members will be arriving soon, that just makes things worse…" Elrond mused darkly.

"Well, we can only hope that her head implodes when she tries to choose between Aragorn and Legolas." Jo said grimly.

All those present winced, but didn't look just a little hopeful.

Iendil skipped down the halls of Rivendell, or 'Rivindale' as she so fondly nicknamed it, humming a ridiculously high-pitched tune that made all the Elves she passed want to cut off their own ears.

Her flowing golden locks bounced and swirled and otherwise defied gravity as she made her way through Imladris. She was seeking Aragorn's room, but to no avail.

Her directional skills were about as bad as her grammar.

_Like, geez, I like wonder where Ary is…I miss him like sooooooo much!!!1 _

She missed Jo as well. The girl hadn't been around since morning. Iendil had awoken with the birds--she did like to sing with them, after all—but still was not in time to catch her "BFF."

Alas, Glorfindel and Elrond were also nowhere to be found.

If Iendil had an IQ that was larger than her shoe size, this may have seemed a bit suspicious to her. But, thankfully for our heroes, their combined absence was not realized, and their plotting was able to continue in secret.

Iendil's only consolation was that in just a few days, people would be arriving for the council. And that meant one thing…

Legolas.

When thinking about the prince of Mirkwood ("Like, where?"), Iendil suddenly couldn't care less about any other male-like creature on the planet. It was at these times that her eyes took on an insane glint and she began to mutter about her 'Precious' so much to the extent that those around her were terrified to find out what would happen when Legolas was actually there.

The day of the Council crept ever nearer. To Jo's great chagrin, she realized the events of this universe were corresponding with the movie rather than the book. That meant that pretty much as soon as the representatives arrived, the Council would take place. And they still did not have a plan of how to dispose of Iendil.

One morning, Jo was woken up FAR too early by the screechingly high singing of Iendil. _What IS IT with that moron and singing in the mornings?! _

She began to take her frustrations out on her pillow. Iendil squealed happily.

"PILLOW FIGHT!!!11"

"Uh, HELL no." Jo muttered, smacking her upside the head once for good measure and stalking out of the room. Iendil's idiocy combined with her lack of sleep put Jo in a very foul mood. Which was about to get even fouler.

As she ambled through the halls, muttering under her breath, she neglected to notice a small person in her path until she had stumbled into him and fallen over.

"Ouch!" Jo rubbed her back and looked up…but not very far up. A blue-eyed boy with dark, messy curly blinked back down at her. She took in his small stature, her eyes traveling from his pointed ears down to his hairy toes.

She cursed, and he stepped back, surprised. "Milady, are you alright?"

Jo sighed wearily. Surely this was Frodo, and if he was up and about, that meant the Council members would be here any day now. She forced a smile. At least Frodo was alright. "I'm…fine. Just surprised. It's very early."

He laughed. "Indeed."

It was such a cute laugh, Jo got worried. Would Iendil start to go after him too? That was all she needed. A third love interest in the Fellowship.

She excused herself and headed back for her room. They really needed a plan…

On the way to her room, Jo ran into Arwen, who was looking over a balcony at the grounds below. She inclined her head with a smile. "Good morning, Lady Arwen."

"Good morning, Jo. I believe our guests have arrived."

Jo paled considerably. "Damn. Does Iendil know?"

Arwen shook her head. "I do not believe so."

"Good, let's try to keep it that wa—"

"LEGGGGGIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111"

"Oh CRAP!" Jo exclaimed, jumping two feet in the air. Arwen clapped her hands over her ears as Iendil, screaming like a banshee, tore through the halls in an attempt to get to the lower level.

Legolas's head snapped up and Jo was horrified to find that he looked just like movie-Legolas. Yet there was more emotion on his face than she had seen throughout the whole movie. Three guesses as to what that emotion was…

Bingo. Fear.

Arwen and Jo exchanged a knowing glance before taking off to get to Legolas first. Iendil would probably get lost for at least ten minutes, so that gave them a bit of time to hide the frightened Elf prince.

They had just reached the ground level and were running over to Legolas and his confused companions, when Arwen glanced behind them and let out a surprised cry.

Iendil, apparently too impatient to try and find the stairs, was at the balcony where they had stood previously. The gleam in her eye was visible even from that distance, and her gravity-resistant hair was swirling around her, making her look like a crazy lady.

"Ai! Elbereth!" Legolas squeaked, looking quite green.

Jo would have laughed at a dignified Elf letting out such a high-pitched squeak were it not for what happened next. Iendil's now-crimson eyes landed on Legolas and without a moment's hesitation, she JUMPED FROM THE BALCONY.

Landing lightly, she was running before her feet hit the ground, and didn't stop sprinting until her arms were firmly attached around Legolas's waist.

"My precious…" she crooned, stroking his hair. The poor elf was so terrified that he didn't even have a chance to whip out his arrows and play target practice with the Sue, much to the disappointment of Arwen and Jo. Then again, he probably didn't expect to be ATTACKED upon arriving at Imladris, so they couldn't really blame him.

Jo looked over to see Elrond and an old man in grey, whom she presumed to be Gandalf, hurrying over, followed closely by the twins, Aragorn, and Glorfindel. The Hobbits followed behind at a more leisurely pace, surprised nonetheless of all the noise in such a peaceful Elvish city.

Jo took in the ridiculous scene all around her. Glorfindel and Elrohir were attempting to pry Iendil off of Legolas. They did not have much luck, as Iendil would bite at them and scream "Mine!" Finally, Elladan had the bright idea to whack her with a branch and knock her out. But all that really did was give Legolas a dead weight to haul around, since even when unconscious, she refused to let him go.

Jo smacked a hand to her forehead. _What are we going to do?!_


	6. Toe Injury

Chapter Six: Toe Injury

Eight pairs of eyes stared down at the unmoving form of Iendil. Well, Legolas attempted to, but seeing as how she was still attached to him, he had a little trouble and decided that it wasn't really worth it anyway. They had all moved into a sitting room inside Imladris.

"So…" Arwen began, breaking the contemplative silence. "What are we going to do about…_her_?"

Elrond furrowed his brow. "I do not yet know. But we must act quickly, before she awakens."

"Yes, please." Legolas sighed. His left arm was starting to go numb under Iendil's vise-like grip.

Jo began to pace again, thinking as hard as she could without her head imploding. An idea formed in her mind. Without explaining, she ushered Aragorn into a large walk-in closet and shut the door, motioning for him to be quiet. Then she opened the door to the hallway and stood by it.

She shot the closed closet door an apologetic look and took a deep breath.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ARAGORN IS SKINNY-DIPPING IN THE LAKE OUTSIDE RIVENDELL? HOW POSITIVELY SCANDALOUS!"

Iendil's eyes snapped open and she bolted from the room, fully intent on finding out just where this lake was. As she exited the room in a flurry of fluorescent pink skirts, Jo slammed the door shut and exhaled heavily.

Aragorn stepped out of the closet, gaping at Jo, who winced. Apparently they did know what skinny-dipping meant. How, she didn't know. But she had a nasty suspicion that they learned it from Iendil.

Jo smiled at him and shrugged. "She may love Legolas more than breathing, but she likes you a lot too. Especially when you're naked. That just makes things easier for her."

Aragorn looked rather ill at that comment.

Jo was just settling into bed that night when a very messy Iendil entered the room, looking dismayed. It was such a great change, to see her not looking impeccably and eerily perfect that at first, Jo thought a strange person was breaking into her room. She jumped back, shocked at the boldness of this person. When it finally registered who it was, she bit back a snicker.

"Where have you been?" she put in mildly.

Iendil pouted and was about to answer when she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She let out an ear-piercing scream and dashed into the bathroom.

Jo's eye twitched. That was a high scream, even for Iendil. Seconds later, the twins and Glorfindel burst through the door, wielding various weapons and looking around as if they expected an army of orcs to be invading the room. Jo took no notice of them…but not on purpose.

"Uh…Jo, your ears are bleeding…" Elladan began.

Jo noticed them out of the corner of her eye and turned her head to face them. "Oh, hello."

"Your ears…" Elrohir put in weakly.

"What?"

"Bleeding…"

"Huh? Speak up, I can't hear a word you're saying!"

Glorfindel just sighed and went to find Elrond.

After being patched up, Jo was able to, well, hear again. That's always good.

Iendil emerged shortly after, looking clean again. Seeing Elrond tend to Jo gave her an idea, something that they would all regret…FOREVER.

Turning around, she kicked the dresser.

"Like, OW! I hurt my toe…" she sniffled dramatically.

Elrond, being the patient soul that he was, decided to play along and humor her. "Would you like me to look at it, Lady Iendil?"

She nodded tearfully and attempted to take a step. She let out a whimper of pain and glanced pointedly at the twins.

The two Elves assisted her over to the bed that Jo had been sitting on, rolling their eyes discreetly. They then excused themselves, giving Jo a look that clearly said, 'We are going back to our rooms to vigorously scrub any part of ourselves that had any contact with _her_ so as to prevent contamination.'

Well, maybe not exactly, but she got the idea.

Jo was destined to not get sleep that night. As she lay in her bed, staring up at the ceiling, she could hear Iendil's fake crying from the bed next to her. She let out an angrily sigh. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing." Iendil sniffled again. "But this toe injury reminds me like sooo much of this time that Armando beat me and hurt my foot."

"Who the hell is Armando?" 

"Why, he's my stepmother's cousin's sister's fiancé's brother's son's math teacher's husband's pool boy."

"…Right."

"He's very violent. I had to deal with his abuse for like years!! I am so tragic."

"I bet you are."

"Huh?"

"Oh, nothing…"

The next night was not much different, except Jo now faced a growing dread—the Council was tomorrow. And instead of being all hyper and excited, Iendil was laying in her bed, crying again.

"I really don't think that was a serious enough 'toe injury' for it to still be hurting!" Jo muttered to her companion.

"That isn't why I'm like crying!!!!"

Jo was slightly taken aback. She was actually crying.

"Ary like doesn't love me! He told me so like today! He even like threatened me with like his sword!!!" At this, Iendil collapsed into sobs and said no more coherent words.

Jo laid in silence for a long time, a growing warmth spreading through her body, replacing the dread. Aragorn had told Iendil off. He even threatened bodily harm on her!

It was a good night.


	7. We Have a PlanBut Not a Good One

Chapter Seven: We Have a Plan…But Not a Good One

Jo was roused very early the next morning to eat breakfast with the Council Members before they shut themselves in the terrace to talk. Jo was planning to enjoy a peaceful day, wandering around Imladris while Iendil made a fool of herself trying to impress the Council.

It seemed that Iendil had other plans. After being directed out of Arwen's chair for the fiftieth time by a slightly annoyed Erestor, she beamed idiotically at Elrond. "So like Elronny!!! Your gonna let me and Jo go to like the counsulate thingy, right?" She gave him her best Bambi eyes. And considering her eyes were already freakishly large, that was quite a sight.

Elrond looked like he wanted nothing more than to tell Iendil to shove it, but his Noble Elf Lord Manners prevented him from doing so. His teeth audibly grinding, he forced out a polite sentence. "Why, of course, milady."

Iendil grinned "beautifully" and latched on to Jo's arm. "Like did you hear that Jo!!! Elrond just like totally invited us to the Consulate!!"

Jo resisted the urge to beat her head against the table. Barely. "I do believe that I will have to respectfully decline, I—" she never finished her sentence, because Iendil began to whine and protest that she "like totally just HAD to go!"

Jo rolled her eyes and sighed. "Fine." _Just to shut you up_, she added to herself.

Iendil bounced up from the table, adjusting her dress to show more cleavage. Jo shuddered. "I'm like gonna go get ready!!!1" Iendil cast a longing look at Aragorn—who choked on his drink—and then passed Legolas, running her hand lightly over his shoulder as she walked by. Now it was Legolas's turn to shudder.

As soon as Iendil flounced out of the dining hall in her ridiculous amount of multicolored skirts, there was a simultaneous sigh from everyone in the room. Elrond—ELROND—actually put his head down on the table, nearly upsetting his bowl. "My Council shall be ruined…" he groaned.

"Hey, I'll try to keep a leash and muzzle on her." Jo offered. All present blinked at her, not comprehending what she meant, so she made a fist and made a punching motion. Elladan and Elrohir grinned, remembering when she punched out Iendil several days ago. "But, anyway! We still need a plan."

"Indeed," sighed Glorfindel, furrowing his brow.

"Well, I figure it's like this—Aragorn is out of harm's way for now. Maybe if Arwen has a…_word_…with Iendil, that could, you know, 'reinforce' that too…But Legolas…You're on your own. You're just too pretty for your own good."

"My thanks, milady," the Elf responded dryly.

Elrond suddenly lifted his head. "I have an idea," he said, looking thoughtful. "If Iendil does not bother Aragorn because he is betrothed, perhaps…Lady Jo, perhaps you could pretend to be the Legolas's betrothed?"

Jo looked like a deer in headlights. "Oh, hell no! First of all, do you really think that would stop her for long?! She isn't exactly terrified of me! Two, are you trying to make me like her? You're creating a monster!!"

Elladan blinked at her. "What on Arda do you mean?"

"Oh, I can see it now! I mean, Fate has already proved that it has a personal vendetta against me, why not have some more fun?! It would start off as the mock-betrothal, but then—hey, what do you know, they're falling in love! Then I'm as bad as she is!"

Legolas looked greatly amused at this and Jo blushed, regretting what she had said. "Do you really find me that appealing?"

"No! Well…NO! Kiss my ass, Elf Boy!"

"Tsk tsk, language, melamin. I can't gradually fall in love with a girl that uses such bad language."

_Ok, I'll play your game Fabio_. "Well, you should learn to accept me for all my faults, _Leggie_," he winced at his pet name that was lovingly bestowed by Iendil. "And I'll let the fact go that my 'husband' is prettier and girlier than I am."

The table broke into laughter at the affronted look on Legolas's face.

"So, any other bright ideas?"

"I think we should stick with Ada's plan for now, until anyone thinks of anything else." Elrohir stated. Jo felt another blush coming on, but her inner purist beat back her inner fangirl with a two by four, and all was well again.

"Fine. But if she kills me in my sleep out of jealously, let the guilt hang on your heads!" Jo conceded. "And if I start getting weird, the plan is OFF!"

Jo stood beside Iendil just outside the terrace where the Council was to take place. She steeled herself for lots of idiocy on her companion's part, and hoped she could make it through without wringing Iendil's perfect neck.

Not that Legolas (or anyone, for that matter) would mind…

_The one good thing about this whole movie-verse thing is that the Council will be shorter…_Jo sighed.

Legolas skirted by them silently, avoiding being noticed by Iendil. That wouldn't really last, considering he had a part to play in the Council. And that they sat in a circle, and as dumb as Iendil was, she was definitely going to see him. Eventually.

Taking a deep breath, Jo walked out to the chairs and took a seat far to the side. She didn't want to interfere or be anywhere near Gandalf when he started spouting Black Speech. Unfortunately for her, Iendil wanted to sit right by Legolas, and dragged Jo with her. That was how she found herself sandwiched between an overly-caffeinated Mary Sue and an very pissed-off Dwarf.

It didn't improve the Dwarf's mood any when Iendil had insisted on dragging an extra chair over, ordering him to move so she could sit next to 'Leggie.' Jo turned to him and whispered, "I'm sorry for her behavior." I lowered my voice even more. "She's crazy."

He looked up at me and grinned. Have I mentioned I love Dwarves? Iendil would probably have a heart attack if I told her that. Hmmm…note to self…

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate--this one doom." Elrond began dramatically, gaining the rapt attention of everyone present. Except Iendil. She was busy trying to wiggle onto Legolas's lap discreetly. Jo jammed her foot down on the Sue's gown so that she was pulled back into her chair.

Elrond shot her the tiniest of grateful looks and continued. "Bring forth the Ring, Frodo."

The rest of the Council was a blur to Jo. She had to quietly intervene multiple times to prevent Iendil from disrupting. Her luck ran out when the Fellowship was forming, however.

"If by my life, or death, I can protect, I will. You have my sword."

"And my bow."

"And my ax."

"You carry the fates of us all little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done."

"Hey! Mr. Frodo is not goin' anywhere without me!"

And so on. Jo was just enjoying watching fictional history being made, so she wasn't prepared for what happened after Merry and Pippin pledged themselves into the Fellowship as well.

Suddenly, she felt Iendil seize her wrist with surprising strength. _Must be her freaky Sue powers_, Jo guessed as she struggled against the grip.

Iendil took no notice, and dragged her forward. "We like would also like to join like the Fellowship."

Elrond looked shocked. The Fellowship looked shocked. The bystanders looked shocked. Legolas looked ill. Jo looked like she was going to commit homicide.

"WHAT??!!!" she shrieked like a harpy, making birds fly from the trees at the noise.

"You like haaaaave to come!!!1"

"I DON'T &$# THINK SO!"

"Pleeeeeeeeeaaaase?"

"Do you have a death wish, woman?"

"Like no, what does that have to do with this?"

"GAH!"

Not paying attention to Jo going insane, Iendil skipped off to start packing, leaving a very stunned council in her wake. She turned and questioned over her shoulder, "Like hey! What's the weather like in Mordor? Is it like hot? Should I bring like my bikini?"

"You do that…" Elrond replied weakly, not knowing what a bikini was, and not wanting to ever find out.

TBC….


	8. A World of Hurt

Chapter Eight: A World of Hurt

Jo slammed the door to her room so hard it rattled on the hinges. But, being of Elven make, it withstood the teenage temper tantrum. A door on Earth would have probably burst into flames at the look on Jo's face. Of course, she couldn't really be blamed, since she was being dragged on the quest with an irritating-as-hell Mary Sue.

And none of the Elves of Imladris really minded the noise, considering that all that rage was directed at Iendil. That actually amused them to no end.

Letting out a frustrated scream, Jo sank on her bed and rubbed her eyes violently. "I'm so freakin' tired, and CRANKY!" She knew that she was eventually going to be forced on the quest, but that didn't make her any less pissed off. "Next person who walks through that door is going to BE IN A WORLD OF HURT!"

Glorfindel's hand paused halfway to the door knob. He heard the threat from within the room (not that it was hard, practically everyone could hear the ranting), and hesitated for a moment. Then, squaring his shoulders, he marched in. He took on a Balrog, he could handle an angry teenager.

"Lady Jo—"

"Glorfindel, you are so lucky that I like you, or you'd be dead in a ditch right now."

"Nice to see you too. Anyway, I was sent to get you by Lord Elrond. You are to begin fighting lessons so that you may defend yourself on the Quest."

Jo passed a hand over her eyes wearily. "Great. You're giving me sharp objects now? Has the world gone mad?"

Glorfindel grinned. "Actually, we'll be starting with wooden swords. But more for Iendil's sake than yours."

At the mention of Iendil's name, Jo's eyes glinted evilly. "That…_wench_…is joining us?" she asked tersely.

The Elf lord let out a longsuffering sigh. This was going to be one loooong lesson…

Iendil made it through the lesson in one piece. That's not to say that Jo didn't have to be forcibly restrained by several Elves on numerous occasions, she just wasn't able to lay a hand on Iendil.

Naturally, however, the Sue was oh-so perfect at fighting, just like she was at everything else. She knew how to wield a sword, bow, spear, ax, and any other weapon that they threw at her. _Literally_ threw. The Elves got more and more disappointed each time their subtle assassination attempts failed. Despite her reflexes and fighting skills, she wasn't exactly…threatening.

Maybe it was the fact that she bounced around the training field while fighting, singing about rainbows and butterflies and unicorns. Her eyes were a violent pink color and she wore a matching tunic with white leggings. By the end, her clothes were still impeccably clean, while Jo was covered head-to-toe in dirt and grass stains, nursing a small cut on her hand.

At the sight of Jo's hand, Iendil seemed to remember her little idea about injuring herself for sympathy, and pulled out her sword discreetly, preparing to give her finger a little knick.

However, at that moment, Jo stumbled over a rock and grabbed Iendil's arm to steady herself, not seeing the sword in her hands. Iendil let out a startled squeak of surprise and stopped suddenly. Jo paused and turned around in time to see her pull the sword out from her stomach.

"Holy CRAP!" Jo screeched, jumping back at the sight of the blood literally pouring out of the wound in Iendil's stomach. By this time, they had attracted the attention of the majority of the Elves in Rivendell. Elrond, Glorfindel, and the twins hurried over.

Iendil had sunk to her knees, and now Elrond was easing her onto her back. As much as she annoyed them, she was mortally wounded. They wouldn't forget common courtesies.

Jo shifted, uncomfortable. If she knew Sues at all, she knew what was coming.

Oh, yes, you guessed it.

The ridiculously-long death scene.

"Jo? What's going on?" came a voice behind her. She turned her head to see Aragorn and Legolas join the group, looking confused.

"By the Valar…" Legolas breathed when his eyes fell on the sight before him.

"Yeah…" Jo trailed off, at a loss for words. Was it bad that she kind of wanted to laugh?

_I am so going to hell…_she mentally smacked herself.

"Jo…come…here…my friend…" Iendil coughed weakly.

Jo restrained herself from rolling her eyes. _Here we go. _

"Legolas…my love…you too…"

The two figure approached her with no small amount of trepidation. She was still bleeding everywhere. Looking close, Jo was surprised to see that her blood was…glittering. Weird.

Iendil took Jo's hand. "Oh, my BFF…we had so little time to…spend together…I will…miss you….so much," she threw in a weak cough for effect. "I like…forgive you…for like kinda stabbing me…" Then she turned immediately to Legolas. Jo didn't know whether to feel insulted or relieved.

"Oh, mellonmyne." Iendil sighed, butchering the Elvish as usual. "I wish I could…have gotten to…know you better…like…I already…like…had the names of…our children…picked out…" Legolas almost pulled his hand away, but refrained. "Like…our wedding would…like have been…so beautiful…like me."

Cue simultaneous eye roll.

"Like…I wish we had started our relationship earlier…" she trailed off suggestively. Legolas looked like he was wondering exactly what relationship she was talking about, but he got his answer when she ran a hand over his cheek and down his chest, right before violating him. That time he did jump back, but Iendil had a death grip on his hand by that time, so he didn't go very far.

"I CAN'T believe she just did that." Elladan gaped quietly. Elrohir stood next to him, mouth hanging open in shock. Glorfindel looked about ready to take out his sword and finish the job.

Elrond had a "How-is-she-not-dead-yet?" look on his face.

Iendil was still whispering sweet nothings to Legolas. But judging by the green tinge on Legolas's face, Jo guessed that they were more like NC-17 'nothings', and that the Elf was none too happy to be on the receiving end of them.

By this time, Iendil's "crystalline blue eyes were filling with jeweled tears threatening to spill as she looked upon the face of her beloved Elven studmuffin for the last time without being able to profess her love for him." Or that's how Iendil pictured it. Jo was pretty sure she was crying because she hadn't gotten into Legolas's pants yet. But that was just her.

After another good fifteen minutes of pointless narrative, Iendil started to fade. "Everything's…like…going dark…Leggie my love…I'm sorry…"

Then her eyes closed and didn't open again. But even more remarkable, her mouth closed and actually didn't open again.

There was an extremely long and tense silence before the area exploded with cheers. There was a group stampede back into the Last Homely House to find some wine to celebrate. Iendil's body was just left lying there, so no one saw it dissipate into thin air in a burst of stars and hearts and baby tears. No one really cared, anyway.

Jo was too busy celebrating with every single other living thing in Rivendell to remember one crucial fact about Mary Sues that she had put out her mind:

They always come back.

TBC…


	9. Oh Crap

Chapter Nine: Oh Crap

If the party favors for the impromptu celebration fully reflected the ecstatic moods of those attending, there wouldn't just be champagne and Lindir happily strumming a harp.

No, there would be banners and confetti and champagne fountains and a two-story cake and a full orchestra blaring out a rousing chorus of "Ding, Dong, the Wicked Witch is Dead."

But Legolas did bring out a bottle of wine compliments of his father, and all the dignified, noble Elves proceeded to get a little tipsy. Well, not really, but Jo could dream couldn't she? She was underage and didn't touch any alcohol, especially after a little stunt pulled by Iendil. Let's just say it involved her purposely drinking too much wine and trying to throw herself on Legolas while he slept.

Legolas. Jo's grin widened. Now she didn't have to pretend to be engaged to him!

However, a little prick at the back of her mind caused Jo's smile to falter. She knew there was something about Mary Sues that, in her joy, she was overlooking.

**Duh. **

_Great, now the voices in my head are back. _

**No, crazy. I'm your conscious. **

_Look, I swear I didn't mean to kill Iendil. _

**Yeah, I know—your knife just 'slipped' out of your hand. But that's not why I'm talking to you. **

_Isn't it sad that you're talking to me at all? _

**…No. I don't know. **

_Okay, then why are you talking to me?_

**I think you know. **

"No, I don't." Jo replied aloud, and clapped a hand to her mouth.

Elrond, who was sitting by her side and watching the others with amusement, gave her a strange look. "I beg your pardon, Lady Jo?"

"Uh…nothing…"

At that moment, Legolas chose to break the awkward moment with an even more awkward moment. He was especially glad for the turn of events, considering he no longer had a hormonal teenager trying to get into his pants.

"Lady Jo, tis a shame we are no longer betrothed," he said, kissing her hand and flashing a dazzling smile.

Jo's face felt like it was on fire. _Bastard_.

**Iendil wouldn't blush. **

_Iendil also tried to violate him while he was sleeping. _

**…Okay, you've got me there…**

"Why, yes, _Prince_ Legolas. What a shame we can't join together in wedded bliss and rule Murkywood together." Jo smirked.

Legolas opened his mouth to correct her, then smirked and shut it. "I'm not even going to bother."

A lopsided grin spread across Jo's face and she elbowed Elladan. In an exaggerated stage whisper, she teased, "Gosh, Elladan, didya hear that? Blondie is finally catching on!"

Jo spent the rest of the week just relaxing. It was nice to no longer have an overbearing harpy breathing down your neck whenever you did anything remotely unladylike. She slept in late, ate as much as she wanted, and got to enjoy the company of the others—who were much more agreeable without the presence of said overbearing harpy.

At the end of the week, after lounging around in bed till lunch, she was taking a walk in the garden. She passed a particularly flowery patch of garden and froze. The flowers were moving a lot. And not just freaky-ooh-we're-Elf-grown-flowers-and-we-can-move-on-our-own moving, but freaky-omg-something-is-in-the-bushes moving.

She halted in place and slowly turned her head to face the quivering daisies. Without warning, a blonde head suddenly popped out of the flowers.

"Holy CRAP!" Jo shrieked, flailing her arms as she fell over backwards in surprise.

"Tee hee! You're like still so silly, BFF!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!!! WTF WHY DON'T YOU DIE!! I'LL KEEL JOO!!"

"Uh…Lady Jo?...What exactly happened here…?"

"Um?...My knife slipped out of my hands?...Over and over and over again?"

**Copycat. **

_Hush. _

"Well," Elrond smiled grimly, eyeing the blood stains all over the path. "…I don't really know what to say about that."

Yet, sure enough, several minutes later, all those present were once again subjected to Iendil's annoying, high-pitched giggling. And that's when everyone realized that Iendil, well, would not die.

And that's a bit of a downer, after all.

TBC…

Sorry it's kinda short, but I just ran out of ideas, but I wanted to update so you guys aren't left hanging. But yeah…she's back…it was good while it lasted, huh?


	10. The Quest Begins

Chapter Ten: The Quest Begins

Jo rolled out of bed with an intense feeling of foreboding. Worse than usual, actually. She was just about to head downstairs to the dining hall for breakfast when high-pitched giggling from the closet caught her attention. Rolling her eyes, Jo swung the doors open, to see Iendil sitting delicately on the ground with six massive piles of clothes around her, color-coordinated.

Jo raised an eyebrow as Iendil looked up and beamed at her. "What exactly is all this?"

"Gee, silly, have you like forgotten that like the Fellowship like leave tomorrow?"

_CRAP. _

"Mffllddggh." Jo groaned into the table cloth.

"Beg pardon?" Elrohir asked, throwing a questioning glance at the girl with her head on the table.

"If I heard right," Glorfindel put in mildly, "I believe Lady Jo is venting her frustrations that she will soon be stuck in the wilderness with…well, if I have to finish this sentence, I will really have to wonder where you've been for the past few weeks…"

Finally lifting her head, Jo had a look of disbelief on her face. "You should have SEEN the amount of clothes she was planning to bring!"

Iendil chose that moment to waft into the hall, her hair in tight golden ringlets. Her dress was pure white and had the habit of defying gravity. She seemed to take the whole 'coming back from the dead' thing as an excuse to act like an angel.

An angel with an excessively high libido.

It seemed that her 'absence' just fueled her raging hormones to an almost destructive level. Not one male in Imladris was safe from her attentions—one could always find her "batting her long, inky black lashes" or "tossing her golden waterfall hair over her slim shoulder" or something equally ridiculous.

Iendil was even so bad as to go after the Dwarves as well. As a Mary Sue, that was bordering on insanity for her kind. Most of Gimli's companions had hightailed it the heck out of there, along with Legolas's kin. Arwen kept fierce vigilance over Aragorn and Sam protected Frodo to the best of his ability. The others were on their own. Legolas took to climbing really high trees to escape the wandering hands of everyone's least favorite Sue.

And this all took place in only one day!

Aragorn was exceedingly nervous that night, realizing that by the next day, he would no longer have Arwen to ward off Iendil. Legolas was coming to terms with the fact that there would not always be trees high enough to climb on the quest. Boromir was feeling left out, but rather thankful. Gimli could often be seen with his hand on his axe whenever Iendil came near him. Merry and Pippin were wondering about the crazy lady who would stare at them with a weird glint in her eyes. Frodo was more preoccupied with the Ring, and Sam was more preoccupied with Frodo's health. Gandalf was wondering what the hell he'd gotten himself into. So was Jo, for that matter.

Everyone gathered in the Hall of Fire that night after dinner, for the last farewells before departure the next morning.

"So…" Elladan began. "…You are leaving tomorrow…"

"Yeah, yeah, rub it in!" Jo muttered from her position on the couch next to him. "Can't say I really blame you. After tonight, you're rid of the wench."

A grin spread across his face. "Yes…we are, aren't we?"

"You suck."

"Shouldn't you be getting to bed, Jo?" questioned Elrohir. "It's rather late, and you rise at dawn tomorrow."

"Yes, Mother!" Jo grinned before getting up, saying goodnight, and heading off to her room.

Iendil was already asleep, and judging by the extremely contented look on her face, she was probably dreaming nasty thoughts about any male in the vicinity. Rolling her eyes for perhaps the millionth time that day, Jo walked past Iendil's three bulging suitcases that she was never going to be able to take with her and climbed into bed.

Tomorrow was going to suck.

Jo woke up to the sound of Iendil singing that Iendil would deem a sweet melody. It was actually more like her sounding like nails on a chalkboard at the top of her lungs at an ungodly hour of the morning. Needless to say, Jo had her head under her pillow and her fingers in her ears in pain.

"Rise and like shine sleepy head!!" Iendil chirped, pulling the covers off of Jo. The cold morning air hit her and she let out a string of muffled curses.

"Like grab your stuff and like let's go!"

Jo sat up groggily and rubbed at her eyes. "The things I do for canon…" she murmured.

"…May the blessings of Elves and Men and all Free Folk go with you."

_Cause we're gonna need it…_ Jo sighed, eyeing Iendil trying to cram her bags onto Bill, who was obviously not very happy with it. The Elves clustered around to see the Fellowship off were sending subtle glares in her direction. Which of course, she misinterpreted to be glances of admiration and love. Blowing kisses and waving, she finally managed to stuff all her crap onto Bill.

Whose knees promptly gave out, sending the poor burdened horse crashing to the ground. Several shocked Elves hurried over and tossed Iendil's junk into the bushes without a second thought.

She looked affronted for about 2.6 seconds, until her attention was diverted by a shiny object.

Let's just say that the Elf whose hair she started petting was not pleased.

"This is getting ridiculous," Jo muttered, seizing Iendil's arm and dragging her out of Rivendell before she could realize that she would be out in the wild for weeks without hair care products.

"Like bye bye Elronny!" Iendil chimed brightly.

All the said Elf Lord could do was weakly nod his head towards the very hyperactive girl as she trailed behind a very annoyed girl as they followed a very foreboding Fellowship.

It was needless to the point of idiocy to say that after the Company departed, the occupants of Imladris were more jubilant than they had ever been before.

TBC…


	11. Walking Sucks

Chapter Eleven: Walking Sucks

Jo was already approaching a level of pissed-off that she hadn't yet had the pleasure of experiencing, and the Company was only an hour into the Quest. Iendil had already been complaining about most of her bags being left behind and scared Aragorn out of his wits by trying to forcefully have her nasty way with him. Jo was dismayed to see the future King of Gondor shake like a little pansy girl. Something had to be done, and soon.

Little did she know, Aragorn was about to be saved.

After the first two days of travel, Aragorn started to get back into his whole 'Hey-let's-not-shower' mindset. He was definitely the one who was most affected by it, but Iendil didn't seem to notice.

At first.

It was to the amusement of the entire camp on the second night when Iendil sashayed over to Aragorn, attempting to plop onto his lap. Her hand brushed his hair, but then she drew it away, horrified. "Like! What is like that?!!?"

"What's what?" Aragorn asked, looking up at her with his usual fear replaced with confusion.

"Like, why is like your hair like wet?"

From next to Pippin, Jo was struck with a realization about how to keep Iendil away from Aragorn. Pippin turned to see a very evil grin spread across Jo's face and stepped back, surprised and a bit fearful.

"Iendil," Jo began. "On this Quest, there will not always be time for showering or bathing…"

Jo was going to leave it at that, and let Iendil draw her own conclusions, but judging by the blank look on the Sue's face, she still didn't understand.

"His hair is greasy." Jo sighed, bluntly.

Iendil jumped away from Aragorn. "Like, ewwwww!!!!!!!" she squealed piercingly.

And from that moment on, she avoided Aragorn like the plague, unless she needed him and his big sword to help her.

_One down…eight to go…_Jo thought to herself. She rolled her eyes. _Because I'm not even ruling out Gandalf. That wench would have her way with anyone. I'm starting to fear for my own safety when she runs out of males to sexually harass…_

Boromir, taking Aragorn's lead, abandoned all hygiene as well. He was relatively safe anyway—Iendil took less interest in him than Gimli. Jo didn't really understand why. Of course, Iendil's feeble Sue brain mistook him for a villain and therefore off-limits. Why villains were taboo, Jo didn't know either. But it wasn't like Boromir was hideous either. He was good-looking and also very kind. He was like a big brother, so it was no wonder he took so well to Merry and Pippin.

Jo made a mental tally of the males in the Fellowship. Aragorn and Boromir were safe for now…Gandalf would hex Iendil if she even tried anything…Sam absolutely detested her, and would protect Frodo…Merry and Pippin were slightly at risk because they were so cute, but Boromir would watch them…not to mention that Iendil's flirtations merely confused them. That was rather amusing.

Jo heard them whispering together while dinner was being prepared one night.

"Merry? Why is that strange lady blinking like that at me?"

"I don't know, Pip, but her eyelashes are abnormally big, wouldn't you say?"

"I swear her eyes change color."

"Yeah, almost as much as she changes her clothes!"

Jo had to fight very hard to hold in her snort of laughter. The Hobbits had Iendil pegged perfectly!

She had also overheard Sam muttering to Frodo about how 'unnatural' Iendil was, and shaking his head. Unnatural was, however true, perhaps the understatement of the age. If one were to ever meet a girl with color-changing eyes, no fashion sense, freakishly-fast-growing hair, and an IQ lower than her shoe size, I do believe there would be words stronger than 'unnatural' to describe her.

Jo's main concern was now, as it had been previously, the matter of Legolas. There was nothing he could really do to look less perfect. He was so chivalrous he wasn't even capable of really threatening Iendil. Jo didn't really think that would last very long, though. And as for finding help within the Fellowship, Gimli was amused by Legolas's plight, and everyone else didn't want to get re-involved with the Sue. So it was up to Jo.

On the fourth night, Legolas offered to go into the woods and find firewood. Jo offered to help, and Iendil winked at her. Jo didn't know whether to be more disturbed that Iendil thought she was as promiscuous as her, or that she was willing to share the object of her obsession. Shuddering, she decided not to think about it.

Once out of earshot of the camp, they traveled a ways into the dark forest. Jo would have probably tripped over roots and rocks most of the way, if not for the fact that Legolas actually glowed slightly, casting a very pale light around him for a small distance.

"So…" Jo began, unsure of how to say what she needed to express.

"It seems that our betrothal is back on."

Jo could've hugged him. She felt awkward bringing it up, and he had practically read her mind! Well, maybe there was the possibility that he HAD read her mind, but she so didn't want to go there.

"Yes. And you have really got to stop being so perfect. No wonder the Sues swarm to you like birds of prey!"

Legolas flashed her a grin.

"See! You do it on purpose!"

"I assure you, my lady, if I really wanted obnoxious girls thousands of years younger than I to flock around me, I would—"

"Seek mental help?" Jo offered mildly. He laughed.

"Perhaps."

"Ugh, so we have to break the news to her?"

"It appears so."

"I'm worried about her reaction, but I'm also excited to see the look on her face. The shock could just kill her."

Legolas raised an eyebrow at her.

"Or so I hope." Jo grinned.

It must have taken them longer to plan then they realized, because when they walked back into camp with small armfuls of wood, even Merry and Pippin were staring at them curiously.

"Have a little…trouble?" Aragorn asked quietly, trying to hide a grin.

"Actually yes, Aragorn. We got a little…lost." Jo smiled sweetly.

"LEGOLAS got lost." Aragorn said dubiously. It wasn't a question.

The Elf muttered something unkind in Elvish, and Aragorn let well enough alone.

"Iendil…we have something to tell you," Jo said, taking Legolas's hand and trying to maintain a straight face.

"We are betrothed." Legolas finished.

"Um…like okay?"

"That means we're engaged. To be married." Jo specified.

There was silence in the camp. Then…

"LIKE WHAAAAAAAATTT!!!!!?????!!!!"

TBC…


	12. Oscarworthy Performance

Chapter Twelve: Oscar-worthy Performance

Iendil plopped onto the ground in shock, her voluminous skirts fluffing up around her and practically obscuring her from view. Her erratic hyperventilating was still audible, however.

"I…like…can't…like…believe…like…this…like…is…like…happening….like!"

Jo would have felt a little bad if, well, if it weren't so darn amusing!

Coming to grips with her excessive emotions, Iendil stood (with no small amount of arm flailing and undignified squeaks as she tried to regain her balance) and faced Jo. Her face was pale, and not the usual "pale-like-the-moon-on-the-surface-of-an-icy-lake-in-Antarctica" pale, but "wow-I've-just-received-a-large-shock" pale.

"I am like happy for you, friend." Iendil sniffled dramatically.

"Uh, thanks. That means a lot to me." Jo replied, keeping a completely straight face, despite the raucous laughter that threatened to erupt from her twitching mouth. _I should win an Oscar for this performance! _

Legolas, during all these proceedings, was in a state of euphoria. It was as if one tremendous, simpering, fangirly weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He would have been skipping around and singing at the top of his lungs had it not been for his dignity. And even then he was sorely tempted.

And yet, Sues are as changeable as the weather. If they can't have one male, they switch to another. And as Legolas was feeling a great relief, Iendil's attentions had to fall on someone else. The foreboding crashed down on the unlucky victim like a tidal wave of doom. The nausea set in, and life suddenly started looking even more hopeless than it had become in the past few weeks.

Yes, not even Samwise Gamgee could help poor Frodo now…

There was no small amount of pity in the Fellowship directed at Frodo once it was obvious that Iendil was turning her obsession towards him.

Jo felt Frodo's pain, as she would often be kept awake at night by Iendil murmuring to her about Frodo's big blue eyes and dark curly hair. Her descriptions started as accurate of the fair hobbit, but once she got into how his "crystalline blue orbs burned with desire to be lost in the oceans of her own deep blue depths," she was going, once again, too far.

Jo almost couldn't wait for the more dangerous parts to begin. Once Iendil had to worry about saving her own skin would she perhaps be distracted from her infatuations.

Or perhaps not.

The next day was when they arrived at that stone hill thing. Or so Iendil named it. She was clapping excitedly, her small brain remembering the location from the movies.

Camp was set up, and Sam began cooking a meal. He had taken up the habit overnight of holding a burning fire poker in his hand at almost all times. Add in an evil glare and even IENDIL understood that she was to back off. In this way, Frodo gained about five minutes reprieve.

During that time, Iendil's attention was caught by the sun shining off the swords that Boromir and the other Hobbits were using to practice sparring.

"Oooo, like shiny!!" Iendil giggled, waggling off to watch, her backside swaying like a metronome.

"On second thought, Mr. Frodo, I've lost my appetite."

"So have I, Sam. So have I."

Oblivious to the fact that there were two Hobbits in the general vicinity that actually weren't hungry, Aragorn continued to give out advice in the sword lessons while Jo watched on, trying not to gag on the scent of the pungent smoke from Aragorn's pipe.

Iendil took up a spot uncomfortably close to Jo, whom she had forgiven for stealing her Elven stalking victim now that she had a new victim. Jo's eye twitched.

"If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I note they're not, I'd say we were taking the long way round. Gandalf, we could pass through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome."

Iendil let out a small noise of disgust. She said no words, which was a miracle in itself, but Jo was pretty much able to guess what she was thinking:

_Like as if we would ever like hide like all my beauty in like some dark old cave with like ugly trolls I mean like dwarves—same diff—although the dark would like make things like easier for like Frodo and like me…giggle giggle tee hee!!!!one_

Jo made a funny choking noise.

Aragorn glanced over at her. "Are you alright?"

"I don't really know, to be honest."

"Crebain! From Dunland!"

Iendil had been waiting all day for that line. No, that is no exaggeration. She was literally waiting ALL DAY to hear Legolas say that. By noon, she was practically vibrating in place, she was so excited. It was both disturbing and rather amusing.

Letting out a gleeful squeal, she took advantage of Sam's distraction of trying to quickly douse the fire, and did something…well, surprising, to say the least.

Seizing Frodo around the middle, she hoisted him over her shoulder and bodily carried him to a hiding spot in the bushes. As if that wasn't brash enough, she then sets him down and pretends to trip and fall on him, just so conveniently that she has to lay still on him while the birds fly overhead.

Jo's eyebrows were so far up they were practically lost in her hairline. She didn't really see the merit to that kind of seduction. Would a guy really like to get such a blow to his masculinity like that? And then have to deal with a girl twice his size sprawled over him for a good ten minutes? Jo figured he was probably okay, considering Iendil weighed about 78 pounds anyway.

Jo was currently crouched behind a rock with Gandalf. Not exactly Iendil's dream-come-true, but Jo had a nasty feeling that she would go after Gandalf if all other resources failed. She took some comfort in the fact that Iendil would probably walk away from that with some sort of hex put on her…

Once everyone emerged from hiding, Gandalf turned his gaze to the dark, looming shapes against the horizon.

"Spies of Saruman! The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras."

_Oh, goody. Snow. _Jo winced. She hated the cold. _But I'm sure Iendil just THRIVES in it, like freaking everything else! _

And, as if to reinforce her statement, a high-pitched, excited squeal was heard slightly ahead.

"Oooo, we should like make a snowman!!!1"

_Eru save us all. _

TBC…


	13. Not in a Good Way

Chapter 13: Not in a Good Way

"Snow sucks. Snow sucks. Snow sucks." Jo muttered lowly between her chattering teeth. It was a good way to rid herself of her frustrations. Plus it could only annoy Legolas, since he was the only one who could hear her over the howling wind. And Jo wasn't really worried about pissing him off, seeing as how, as we have seen in all the encounters with Iendil, the Elf is blessed with a rather saintly patience.

In other news? Iendil picked up a new hobby while the Company was trudging up the mountain. In the midst of her snow-frolicking (dancing around in the snow, which she somehow made look provocative—if you can't picture this, that's probably a good thing), she decided to…serenade the rest of the Fellowship. To the extreme misfortune of the Quest members.

After several hours of Britney Spears-Hilary Duff medleys, everyone in the Fellowship was at the point of pulling a Van Gogh and cutting off their ear. Except they didn't know who Van Gogh was.

Jo was going absolutely bloody insane. She didn't particularly have a problem with either of the aforementioned singers, but Iendil had the most irritating talent of horribly maiming any song.

Of course, if you asked her, her voice is "like the melody of a waterfall cascading down a cloud of sparkling shiny stars and rainbows with cotton candy trees and marshmallow singing sparrows."

Jo fell over with a snort of laughter at this thought. Boromir raised an eyebrow at her.

"Are you alright, Lady Jo?"

"That's debatable."

_People ask me that a lot…hmm…_

Fortunately for all of them, once the vicious snowstorm started up, Iendil's banshee-like voice was drowned out. So the 90 mph winds and golf ball-sized snowflakes were a small price to pay.

So it was alright until Iendil started screaming about the boulders. So much so that she didn't notice the small frowns each time a rock missed hitting her. _She really didn't make many friends…_Jo mused with an uncontainable grin.

Her screams were effectively cut off by about two tons of snow falling on top of the small group. Jo's whole world went white and she sat stunned for a second before shoving her way out. Heads popped up all around her, and she was reminded of Whac-a-mole. Or Whac-a-Sue…that was an interesting prospect…

Frodo's head popped up very suddenly, and it was apparent that something was wrong. His face was bright red, but not because of the cold. That was apparent seeing as how it had a lovely green tinge to it.

"What's wrong, Mister Frodo?" Sam questioned, concerned. "Are you ill?"

"I'm about to be!" he spluttered. "She…she…SHE TOUCHED ME INAPPROPRIATELY!!!"

The unexpectedness of this statement—or rather, exclamation—brought everyone to a halt. The others stopped to stare at the mortified Hobbit. The snow even lessened, and Legolas swore he could hear soft, amused laughter in the general direction of the 'fell voice'.

Jo found this all too amusing. "Did she now?" she grinned, trying to empathize but failing miserably.

"Beggin' your pardon, Lady Jo, but this is hardly funny!" Sam said, indignantly.

"No, but the look on your face was!" she laughed. She looked around. "Say, where is the bane of our existence?"

A very deadpan Gandalf hauled a figure up out of the snow. Judging by the violent pink color of the person's attire, they all knew it was everyone's least favorite Sue. "Here, I do believe. Now who's going to carry her while we get down the mountain?"

"Heck, leave her here!" Jo smiled cheerfully. "Because I highly doubt there is anyone among us willing to haul her frozen ass down a mountain."

Gandalf looked amused, but he draped Iendil over Bill, to the disappointment of all.

"Spoilsport." Jo muttered.

Crystalline, amethyst eyes with inky black lashes fluttered open, revealing their vibrant color to the blue sky. A slender hand was brought to the flushed porcelain cheeks as the maiden regained consciousness. Her rosy pink lips spread to utter a delicate request for water in a clear voice—

"Oh, get over yourself!" Jo snarled, upending her entire water bottle over the newly conscious Iendil's reclining form.

Jo was in a particularly bad mood because, for the majority of the descent, she was stuck carrying Iendil down. After only a few minutes, Bill had clearly had enough of even being in contact with Iendil, and he bucked her off him. Jo's laughter was short-lived when Gandalf ordered her to carry the unconscious Sue.

"What?! Whyyyy?!"

Her protests were met with looks from all the others that quite clearly said 'What the heck did we bring you with us for?'

"Why don't we just LEAVE her here?!" Jo cried.

"There is nothing less honorable than leaving a companion defenseless, even if they are not one's favorite person." Aragorn said wisely.

"If you think that's the last honorable thing a person could do, then you clearly have no idea what plans are running through my head right now."

But none of her arguing would avail her. Jo was forced to struggle through the snow with a dead weight on her back. Not that it was very heavy…Jo reassessed her views, and came to the conclusion that Iendil could only weigh 56 pounds, max. How that was physically possible, we may never know.

But still, the mere touch of a Sue makes your skin crawl. And not in a good way.

Obviously.

At the base of the mountain, the Company stopped to make a small fire to warm up. Jo dumped Iendil on the ground and rubbed her hands together. Several minutes later, Iendil started to wake up, and things got, well,…weird. As you just read.

Startled by the water, Iendil woke out of her dreamlike state. "Huh? Frodo?"

Halfway across the camp, Frodo heard this and a cold chill went down his spine.

"Bloody hell." He murmured. Jo raised an eyebrow and wondered when Frodo turned British.

Iendil sighed and went back to sleep. Jo remained where she stood, massaging her shoulders to get feeling back in them. Several minutes later, she felt something wet on her foot. Looking down, she saw a small puddle pooling there. Following it with her eyes, she found the source.

"FREAKIN' GROOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!" she shrieked, leaping backwards.

Shocked, all the others' heads snapped up and they whirled to look at her.

Merry and Pippin walked over to Jo and watched her frantically trying to clean her boot without touching it. They then looked over to where she just stood and where Iendil lay sleeping.

"Wow." Pippin said, looking impressed. "That is quite a lot of drool."

Merry nodded his agreement. "Poor Frodo."

TBC…


	14. GONG

Hey all! Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! I just want to let you all know that from the tenth to the twenty-first I will be in France, so there won't be any updates. I'll try to make this chapter longer to compensate.

Chapter 14: GONG

After Jo had successfully sterilized her boot, peace returned to the camp.

Temporarily.

Boromir settled down for the first watch as everyone else made ready for bed. Frodo quickly fell asleep, assuming that Iendil was still dozing.

But we all know why you should never assume…

Several minutes later, they were all woken up by a surprised shout followed shortly by a resounding 'GONG'.

Jo started out of bed and took in quite the comical scene. Frodo was sitting up in his bedroll, pink to the tips of his ears. Sam stood next to him, clutching his frying pan and looking homicidal. Iendil lay in a heap at his feet, a large welt forming on her head.

There was a long pause, as no one really knew how to respond.

The corner of Gandalf's mouth twitched in what could be considered a barely-contained smirk.

"Geez LOUISE." Jo muttered, shaking her head. "Why on Arda is she going after poor Frodo so much? No one else had to deal with this much of her perverse attention!"

"It probably does not help that Frodo doesn't look like he could hurt a fly," Merry observed, munching on an apple.

"Yes!" Pippin chimed in. "I mean, just look at those big blue eyes! Who wouldn't want to _ravish_ him?"

Frodo blushed even more and tried a half-hearted punch at his teasing cousin.

"True, true," Jo mused. "I mean, Merry and Pippin have had Boromir to protect them, Aragorn actually threatened her, and even Legolas looks scary despite all his girliness."

"I beg your pardon, my lady!"

Jo smiled and patted him on my head. "Aw, don't beg, Legolas. Though you are too cute when you're looking…affronted."

To play along, Legolas stuck out his lower lip and pouted. Jo fought to maintain calm. _Easy there, girl. Iendil's rubbing off on you. It doesn't matter if he's like an adorably puppy that you're attracted to—_Jo stopped herself at that thought. _Wow, that's wrong on SO many levels…I don't even want to GO there! _

Legolas decided not to hold back. "Well, someone has to make up for your lack."

Jo threw her head back and laughed, startling him. "That would hurt if it weren't so true! But I'd rather be a female who exudes manliness than a girly-man. Girly-man! Girly-man!"

"Excuse me! I am an ELF, thank you very much!"

"Oh, sorry, my mistake!" Jo snorted.

As Jo settled into bed once more, she couldn't help but wonder how Iendil could ever believe that she and Legolas were engaged. They were the most unlikely couple, and probably the most odd-looking as well. She could just picture what would happen if two people like them actually procreated. _I mean, we're talking about girls that climb tries and fight with swords, and boys that nance around with mirrors and hairbrushes!_

That was such a gross exaggeration of the possible outcome that Jo had to hide her laughter in her pillow.

From the bedroll next to her (they do have to keep up appearances for Iendil's sake), Legolas raised an eyebrow. "What are you thinking about, pray tell?"

"Oh, just what our children would be like…" Jo replied nonchalantly.

Legolas's jaw literally hit the pillow as he turned an interesting shade of chartreuse.

Jo continued, because paybacks a bee-yotch. "I already have names picked out and everything! But how do you feel about naming kids after venereal diseases?"

It was Legolas's turn to muffle his chuckles in his pillow. "That is something I wouldn't entirely put past Lady Iendil."

"So like, where are we going now?" Iendil asked, bouncing over to Jo's side. She was suffering mild bouts of amnesia, compliments of Sam's frying pan. To cover for him, they all told Iendil that she ran into a tree. The scary thing was that she didn't even question that she could do something so…stupid?

"Moria. For the seventeenth time."

"Tee hee! Seventeen! That's how old I was before I like turned like into an Elf! Which is nice because like now my beauty and like charm will like live FOREVER!!!1"

That one word brought the entire group to a halt and, oddly enough, echoed in the mountains around them. Birds took to the skies and several woodland creatures ran for their lives.

Jo repressed a visible shudder and forced an extremely painful ghost of a smile. That really looked more like a grimace. "That's right…unfortunately," she added under her breath darkly as Iendil scampered off to go try and 'bond' with Merry and Pippin. She seemed to believe that they were supposed to form some sort of camaraderie and get into all sorts of hijinx together. Of course, she also believed that all the males would submit to her lustful desires and become her sex slaves for eternity.

Let's all take a wild guess if that will ever ACTUALLY happen…

Gandalf was rather unaffected by all this daytime drama, aside from being more annoyed than usual. Aragorn was trying to remain stoic and leaderlike (well, okay, assistant-leader-until-Gandalf-falls-like), but it was painfully obvious that he was just thanking his lucky stars that he was being ignored by Iendil.

"I'll never wash again," he sighed in relief.

"Uh, please do," Jo rolled her eyes. "For Arwen's sake, if not ours."

Boromir was unsure what to make of the Sue. He had been nothing but compassionate, and yet she still constantly gave him the evil eye and acted extremely suspicious around him.

"I don't understand." He remarked one night to Jo. "What have I done to offend her?"

Jo was in a slight pickle. She couldn't very well reveal to him what he does shortly before dying, but she didn't want to be rude. Waving her hand dismissively, she thought up an excuse. "Iendil…doesn't like redheads."

Boromir looked thoughtful. "That would explain why she doesn't get along with Samwise either…"

_Yeah, aside from the fact that he gave her a concussion with a steel cooking instrument. _Jo smiled. "Yes, exactly."

Satisfied, Boromir turned to chase Iendil away from his two hapless Hobbit friends.

Jo was left to brainstorm some new ways of thwarting Iendil's nasty little plans.

_Let's see…I should probably find out what she's afraid of…aside from getting ugly or losing her hai…r… _An evil smile suddenly snaked its way over Jo's face as she got an idea. A mean, evil idea. An idea that wouldn't kill Iendil, but make her life hell.

But first, she needed to test a theory.

Once they stopped walking for a short break, she wandered innocently over to where Iendil was sitting.

"Oh my gosh, Iendil, is that a spider?"

The scream that ensued was piercing, to say the least. Back in Rivendell, Elrond's head snapped up. "Huh?"

Jo pulled her finger out of her ears. _Perfect. _"Oh no! It's crawled into your hair!"

"GETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUT!!"

"Oh, crap! It's tangled in there! I can't get it out without cutting off your hair!"

Getting the gist of her plan, the Fellowship exchanged amused glances through their winces of pain at their new ear injuries.

"Oh no, but you like caaaan't--!"

"If I don't, it'll lay eggs in your hair, and you'll have little baby spiders in there too!"

"OMFG, DO IT NOW!!!1"

With a twisted grin, Jo unsheathed her dagger and began to hack away at Iendil's hair. She finished and tossed it into the fire before Iendil could see that there was no spider. She didn't really have to worry, considering Iendil was cowering with her hands over her eyes. "Is it like gone?"

"Yes…"

Despite her relief at being arachnid-free once again, Iendil's scream upon seeing her new hairdo was even more ear-splitting than the first.

"Did you hear that Glorfindel?"

"I did, Lord Elrond. What do you suppose it was?"

"I haven't the faintest idea…"

TBC…


	15. Ill

Hey everyone! I'm back! Thanks so much for waiting. Here's a longer chapter to express my gratitude!

Chapter 15: Ill

"Yes, Gimli, their own masters cannot find them if their secrets are forgotten."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

"Tee hee, like right cuz like Dwarves are like teh stupid, lolz!!"

Gimli scowled at Iendil and discreetly tripped her with the handle of his axe. It was funny, but not as funny as watching her try to toss her hair over her shoulder before remembering that she now had less hair than most of the males in the group.

Gandalf halted the Company in front of the doors and began to try and figure out the password. Jo sidled over to the still-grumbling Dwarf. She couldn't blame him at all for being called stupid by IENDIL, of all people.

"Master Dwarf," Jo nodded. He inclined his head in acknowledgement. Lowering her voice, Jo continued, "I wouldn't trouble yourself. We all know that you have more intelligence in your beard than Iendil has in her entire body."

Gimli let out a gruff laugh, and Jo left it at that.

"Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight." Gandalf was murmuring to himself.

Iendil perked up. "Like, that's my two best friends!"

Gandalf turned to her, looking confused.

"Begging your pardon, Lady?" Aragorn asked, equally mystified.

Iendil looked at him, noticed the grease in his hair, and shuddered delicately before answering. "Like Starlight Rainbowunicorn and Moonlight Cupcakefairy."

There was a long silence, which seem to be quite abundant whenever Iendil opens her mouth to say something ridiculous.

Jo gaped. "I…think I speak for everyone when I say… 'WHAT?'"

Iendil sniffled. "I like miss them so like much…I wish they were he—"

Jo clapped her hand over the Sue's mouth before she could wish her little buddies to Middle Earth. "Uh, no you don't! They would…um…steal your spotlight!"

Iendil mumbled, "Bff hrr hffmmf." Which roughly translates to "But you're here."

Jo was running out of excuses. "Uh…well, I don't…I…" Seeing only one way out, she steeled herself for the worst, "…I don't possess your ravishing looks and charm…"

She then released Iendil's mouth, thoroughly horrified with what she just said, and staggered off into the woods to lose her lunch. Legolas followed, concerned, and somewhat amused.

Iendil watched him go. Or rather, she watched his arse go. "She is like so lucky! I may like be like prettier and like charminger, but she like got the hot like elf prince..." she sighed.

"Hey, Merry?"

"Yeah, Pip?"

"How come Legolas and Jo are so good at pretending to be betrothed?"

"Keep your voice low—Iendil's not supposed to know that!"

"It's okay, she's chasing after Frodo right now."

"Should we help him?"

"Nah, Sam's pulling out his frying pan. He'll be alright."

"You still never answered my question."

"That may be because I don't know the answer."

"Let's ask Boromir."

"Alright."

Boromir looked up with a smile as the two Hobbits wandered over. "What seems to be troubling you two?"

"Boromir…are Legolas and Jo really betrothed and not just pretending?"

Boromir's eye widened. "Why…what…what do you mean?"

"They either aren't pretending, or they are very good actors." Merry clarified.

Boromir REALLY didn't know how to answer that (even Elrond probably couldn't), but he was luckily saved by the Frodo running by with Iendil on his heels and Sam on her heels. Swinging his frying pan around, trying to clip her over the head.

Although it was quite comical, the three spectators felt compelled to help Frodo out. Luckily for him, Merry had a plan.

"Look, Iendil!" he exclaimed, pointing in the opposite direction from where the 'betrothed' couple had disappeared several minutes previous, "Legolas wants to take a bath in the river, but he needs help getting all his clothes off!"

"AIIEEE!! WHERE???!!!"

Iendil sprinted off immediately in the direction that the smirking Hobbit was pointing, forgetting all about the half-dead Frodo. Said Hobbit collapsed wheezing onto the ground once the coast was clear.

"That woman will be the death of my sanity!" he coughed.

"She's an insult to women everywhere—we'd rather you not classify her with us," Jo sighed, plopping down next to him. She had just returned from being rather messily ill on the forest floor, with a very sympathetic Legolas rubbing her back. _That was rather nice of him…I wouldn't have come within ten feet of me back there…_

Jo grimaced. She had been a mess. She always was when getting sick. Must have been something she ate. Or the fact that she…well, complimented a Sue.

She shook her head. _Never thought the day would come when I would commit such a foul atrocity. _

A calm fell over the camp. Every once in a while, Iendil's voice could be heard distantly in the forest. "Legolas!...Where are you?...Legolas!"

"So this is what it's like in camp without…Lady…Iendil." Aragorn mused. "…I rather like it."

"That makes, what, ten of us?" Jo murmured, curling up on her bedroll.

"Are you well, Jo?" the Ranger questioned.

"Been better, but I'm fine." She caught Legolas's eye from across the clearing, and saw the pity in his eyes. "But would you mind telling Elf Boy to stop feeling sorry for me?" Jo added, knowing full well that Legolas could hear her.

The Elf stood. "What do you mean, Lady Jo?" he walked over. "You were…quite violently ill just now. To a degree which I have never seen."

"I know Elves don't get sick, but think I'm weak because I caught a little bug!"

"Lady Jo, I think you are overreacting—"

He was interrupted by her snoring. At first he thought she was being rude, but he then saw that she was, in fact, fast asleep.

Even Aragorn and Gandalf had no clue what to make of the strange events they had just witnessed.

"Humans are odd." Legolas whispered.

TBC….

OK, sorry, so it wasn't very long. But I've been having some crappy, busy days, so my inspiration is pretty low. But I will try to update soon.

CRC


	16. Le Sigh

Chapter 16: Le sigh…

Aragorn yawned and stretched. His watch was over, and now it was finally morning. He glanced around him once more. The camp was peaceful, and everyone was asleep.

Or, almost everyone.

He found himself being stared at by a pair of puffy blue eyes.

"Couldn't sleep, Lady Jo?"

"Not a wink." She paused, looking thoughtful, before proclaiming, "Elves are weird."

"Well, they are immortal beings. I suppose that doesn't help." Aragorn smiled. "You are feeling better, I take it?"

"Yes. And trying to figure out a way to get Iendil away from Frodo, and yet not on to someone else in the group." She scrunched up her nose, looking frustrated. Then she sighed. "I don't suppose there is anyway to get her to start lusting after Saruman…?"

Presented with a very funny mental picture, Aragorn had to laugh. "I doubt it."

"Dang."

"Freakin' Sues, screwing with canon!" Jo kicked the sand, sending a spray of rocks into the water. "Why are we still not in Moria?!"

Pippin glanced over at the ranting girl. "What's 'canon'?"

Jo didn't respond. She was too busy glaring at the offending Sue, who was occupied primping herself in the reflection of the water.

But luckily for all present, even the Valar love to have a bit of fun now and then at the expense of an unfortunate individual. And today, Manwe was feeling rather mischievous. Or just plain annoyed. It probably didn't help that Iendil has insinuated on several occasions that she was the long-lost daughter of Manwe and Varda.

So, when Iendil leaned over the water to fix her hair and just happened to drop her sparkly clip into the water, that just HAPPENED to wake up the Watcher in the water.

If this fic had a musical score…well, all the characters would be wondering why they were hearing music in their heads. But the traditional Jaws-esque, 'No-don't-go-in-there-because-the-killers-right-behind-the-door type, ominous music would be starting, in sync with the ripples of water that were heading right for the oblivious Sue.

But since there was no music playing, no one was really expecting the tentacle to shoot out of the water and grab Iendil. No one really noticed until her ear-splitting shrieks gave Legolas an instant migraine. No one really cared until she started screaming "TAKE FRODO INSTEAD! HE'S GOT THE RING!"

Then Legolas whipped out his handy-dandy bow and shot the calamari right between the eyes. Just so that all the enemies within a hundred mile radius would not be alerted to the fact that "WE'RE RIGHT HERE, WITH THE RING, COME AND GET US!"

And if they thought it was funny to see Iendil whipped around upside down by a tentacled monster, her skirts flying up over her head and her hair products flying everywhere, it was even funnier to see her plummet into a dirty lake and emerge minutes later, a tangled and flustered wreck. She hauled herself onto the shore, her tie-dye skirts torn, her hair a sopping wet, knotted mess, and her makeup running down her face in rivulets of water.

Legolas covered up his snort of laughter with a dignified cough before turning his eyes heavenward and muttering a phrase in Elvish that probably translated to "Thanks, Manwe, I owe ya one."

Fuming and on the verge of tears, Iendil stormed up to the doors, screamed 'Melon' at the top of her lungs, and marched into the mines. She plopped herself down on the cold ground, a pile of wet skirts and dripping hair, and cried.

Now, ordinarily, this would be taken as a cause for pity. It was a bit more serious, however, when the crying person is part of a group that is on a top secret mission in a cave that echoes a lot. And when the person cries like a dying banshee, that doesn't help either.

"Child!" hissed Gandalf. "Have you made it your mission to alert every foul creature around to our presence?"

Iendil glared up at him through her makeup-smudge eyes.

Jo sensed trouble. _I don't like that look, not good…_

They all blinked as they were suddenly plunged into even darker…darkness. Apparently, Iendil's crying had drowned out the sounds of the Watcher smashing the entrance behind them.

Jo shook her head. "Legolas really should have heard that, but I'm not going to blame him, because his poor ears have suffered enough today."

"There are fouler things than Orcs, in the deep places of the world." Gandalf had told them. Jo couldn't help but glance in the direction of where Iendil was walking. How could she tell? Why, just listening for the slosh of her skirts on the stone steps. With such heavy, intricate material, it was taking forever to dry. The noise was annoying, but it was rather satisfying to hear Iendil's indignant squeak each time a piece of her dress would get just too heavy for the seams and fall off. Jo grinned. Her hair may have grown to a shoulder length oddly fast, but now she was having a wardrobe malfunction that was amusing to no end. She pictured the pieces of fabric littering the path behind them, and had to stifle a giggle.

"Sigh…_Sigh_…SIGH…_SIGH_…like **SIGH,** DAMMIT!!!1"

Jo rolled her eyes. Iendil had been trying to get Gandalf's attention for the past two and a half hours so she could whine about her delicate little feet hurting. The wizard had been ignoring her since her little crying fit at the cave entrance. It wasn't so easy for the rest of them. Especially Legolas. He had developed a nasty little twitch after an hour of her complaints. And now Iendil was falling into the Swearing-Sue cliché. Such things were not meant for the ears of the Middle Earth inhabitants.

"My censored feet hurt so much. Poor censored me." She whined, to the shock of all except Gandalf, who might as well have been deaf to her voice.

Merry's jaw had hit his chest, and he quickly covered Pippin's ears. Sam and Frodo had drifted to the front of the group so as to be as far away from her as possible, but they still heard it. Boromir looked aghast, but kind of amused. Gimli chuckled. Aragorn sighed. Legolas just wanted the pain in his ears to stop.

Jo blinked. And then did a very flamboyant double-take that involved her head whipping back and forth and a rather elaborate face fault. Two seconds ago, she was at the place where Gandalf could not remember, and now suddenly they were in Balin's tomb with orcs at the door.

Sam glanced at her as she picked herself up off the dusty ground. "Are you alright?"

"I'm…" _going insane_, she thought with a roll of her eyes. "Just nervous."

He nodded, and then focused his energy on protecting Frodo as the orcs started to break through. Jo glanced at Iendil and saw her looking satisfied. Then she realized—she wasn't losing her mind, Iendil had cause the plot to advance forward because she was in such a bad mood. Clearly all her negative energy was to blame.

Jo's thought process was derailed as the orcs burst through the doors and streamed like ants into the room.

It was on.

TBC…


	17. Trouble Magnet

Chapter 17: Trouble Magnet

_Battles suck. Caves suck. Orcs suck…Pessimism sucks. _

That was about the extent of Jo's thoughts during the battle in Balin's tomb. She can't really be blamed, considering she had to focus on…well, not dying. That takes a substantial amount of concentration for those who were not seasoned in battle. A.k.a., Jo and the Hobbits. Because APPARENTLY Iendil is a master fighter, and thus proceeded to try and impress all males present with her skills. She was a streak of blonde and violet in the midst of the gory battle. Because of course she changed her dress. It was only the fashionable thing to do.

Jo grit her teeth. _Maybe I can save Frodo one nasty bruise by pushing Iendil in front of the troll's spear…_An evil grin snaked its way across her face. _But then she can't have fun playing with the little Balrog… _

The orc she was contending with shot her a weird look once she started laughing evilly. Then she brained him. And that sounds bad-ass and all, but it's actually just gross and nasty. Quite messy too. Probably why Iendil prefers to fight with arrows from far away.

That, and the last time she played with a sword, she didn't have a very fun experience…Jo was overtaken with laughter once again at the memory.

It was approaching that point of the story where Frodo is stabbed by the troll, and Jo was getting worried. Not that Frodo was going to be hurt, because we all know that everyone's favorite blue-eyed Hobbit lives through that escapade. No, she was getting nervous about Iendil's antics. Said Sue was attempting to act discreet while plotting some random act of stupidity. So, naturally, she was drawing blatant amounts of suspicion to herself.

_What in the heck is she planning? _Jo narrowed her eyes. _Whatever it is, you can bet it will be idiotic, selfish, and jeopardize the Quest. Naturally. _

A scream rent the air suddenly, in the exact moment when Jo had stopped paying attention to Iendil in order to evade a charging orc. Jo cursed the Sues impeccable timing. "What now?!" She whirled around to see a very surprised Frodo on the floor, staring a Iendil. Who was now shish-kabob. Jo giggled. Aragorn shot her a look that was meant to be disapproving but fell short. In fact, he looked downright gleeful.

"Ugghhh…" Iendil moaned. "That hurt."

The rest of the group gaped at her. "How are you not dead?" Merry exclaimed.

"It takes more than a giant spear through like my stomach to like kill me!"

"That's what we're afraid of…" Gimli muttered gruffly to a bemused but rather frightened Sam.

"Kay so lets like go, I'm fine!" Iendil insisted. She then put on an obviously-staged show of attempting to get up and falling back down with an expression of pain on her face.

It was extremely obvious as to what Iendil was hoping would happen. I.e., Legolas sweeping her off her feet and carrying her through the rest of Moria. Aragorn, however, being quite loyal and selfless, was willing to sacrifice his own hygiene (not like he uses it much anyway…) to prevent that from happening.

He stepped forward and whisked Iendil up. Instead of carrying her in the oh-so romantic bridal style, he slung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Other than the fact that he was forced to touch a Sue, it really was no bother for him. She couldn't have weighed more than fifty pounds. But that was not the only satisfying thing about his sacrifice.

Let's just say that if Aragorn's hair was bad BEFORE Moria, it was terrible now. The lake water had only added to the greasy and funky smell. Add in a murky cave, still no bathing, and a messy battle with orcs, and well…the smell took some getting used to. The look on Iendil's face was priceless as she was pressed right up next to his hair.

Jo concealed her snort of laughter in her hands.

Iendil stopped staring at Aragorn's upside down rear end (hey, she's only a Sue, smelly guy or not) to look at her. "Jo, dearie, are you like alright?"

Jo blinked. "Uh…I was just touched by Aragorn's display of chivalry…" she lied.

It was Iendil's turn to blink. She nodded unsurely, clearly not understanding what Jo had said, but was intent on pretending she did.

Pippin let out what could be taken to be a long-suffering sigh. "Aragorn pick up you because you hurt." He said slowly, enunciating each syllable as one would to a small infant. Iendil stuck out her lower lip in a huff and attempted to turn away. But that doesn't work too well when one is slung over someone else's shoulder. So all she succeeded in doing is getting a nosefull of Aragorn's hair and nearly kicking him in the family jewels.

Once again, Jo had to hide her laughter.

"Jo, hon," Iendil sniffed. "I don't like think Pipsqueak's explanation was like all that touching…"

"Oh, no?"

"Totally. It was kinda like really mean!!!1"

"He was just pointing out your irrefutable ignorance. In the best way possible."

Of all that, Iendil only understood the last sentence. So she smiled at Pippin radiantly. "Oh like thanks cutie."

Pippin smiled back painfully, and shuddered when she turned away. "I feel violated," he whispered to Merry, who patted his shoulder sympathetically.

"A Balrog of Moria. This foe is beyond any of you—"

"Not beyond me!!!!!1" Iendil exclaimed suddenly, cutting Gandalf off. She hopped out of Aragorn's arms, miraculously healed. "It's like my like destiny to fight the Balrog!"

Jo blinked as a large sign suddenly crashed down in the midst of the group. It read, in giant letters, 'Flashback'. "What the hell?"

The world around them suddenly got all ripply and wavy as the caves around them were replaced with a forest. Iendil's voice took on a narrator quality.

They saw a girl running desperately through the woods with orcs in pursuit. How this girl got there was not revealed, and why the hell they should care was not apparent until the girl reached a clearing and tripped.

"Yep, that's definitely Iendil." Jo said, deadpan.

"What, the fluorescent clothing didn't give it away?" Legolas replied dryly.

**So, I was like running for like my life from like a crapload of orcs and I like fell over and I was so sure I was like going to like die, but then this voice comes to me. **

Surprised, the Company looked around, searching for the source of the voice. Aka Iendil.

_**"Iendil Ancawen. You are destined for greatness." **_

There was a long silence, and then the world swam back to normal. The letters on the sign morphed into 'End Flashback.' This was directly followed by another long silence, ending with Jo's indignant exclamation.

"THAT'S why you think you should fight the Balrog??! Are you out of your flippin' mind!?! You DO realize that it's a giant fiery demon??! It ain't a kitten!!"

"Relax child. I can like totally handle it."

Famous last words.

TBC…


	18. Gaping Chasms

Sorry that this chapter has taken so long. In the past two days we've had a violent thunderstorm each evening, that lasted until about nine. And yesterday we lost power! I can't win.

Chapter 18: Gaping Chasms

Jo had just made the extremely scary dash over the teeny tiny bridge of Khazad-dum and was rather hoping none of the Company fell off it. Because she was pretty sure they'd be falling for several days. And after falling to the deepest places of the world, they'd apparently end up on top of a mountain. According to Gandalf, anyway.

Gandalf had tried to bring up the rear of the group. But Iendil, for her lack of brain cells, actually realized that if Gandalf was the last one across the bridge, he would get the JOY of fighting the Balrog. Because we all know how FUN that can be…

So she pushed GANDALF the ages old WIZARD in front of her, rather roughly. "Age like before beauty, Dalfy." Z

If there wasn't a giant fiery demon on their tail, it was a pretty certain thing that Iendil would have been a pile of ash right about then.

She made it to about halfway across the bridge. Gandalf turned around and prepared to scold her.

Iendil folded her arms across her chest and stuck out her lower lip. She suddenly looked like a very obnoxious four-year-old who was denied their favorite dessert. "Gandalf! I want to fight the Balrog!" And with that extremely messed-up sentence, she slammed her foot onto the bridge. A mega-temper-tantrum-stomp, if you will.

Under such a Mary Sue force, no material can withstand. The bridge of Khazad-dum crumbled in the middle, leaving Gandalf and Iendil standing on the piece that still remained jutting out from the safe side.

Looking triumphant, Iendil turned to face the Balrog, prepared to spurt some battle-taunt nonsense.

She was immediately knocked over the edge with one swipe of the Balrog's fiery hand.

Her screaming didn't start for a good five minutes, seeing as how she's pretty slow on the uptake and all. The Balrog had paused in it's battle as if waiting for the sound. Only once her ear-splitting screaming began did he advance again towards Gandalf. It probably would have been a good idea for Gandalf to attack the demon while he was waiting, but then again…Gandalf was too busy gloating.

Jo was practically turning cartwheels over on the other side as she watched the daytime drama happening on the bridge.

Gandalf's fall proceeded per usual according to canon, which was sad, but also a good thing. Since he comes back even more kick-ass. He had the sympathy of the entire Fellowship, though.

Not because he was falling to his death while locked in a momentous struggle with a large fiery demon. No, because he had to share the same gaping chasm as Iendil. Her screaming could still be heard as the remainder of the group dashed out of Moria and into the blinding sunlight, leaving Jo to assume that her estimation of how long it took to hit bottom was right. As the others stumbled around, either fighting off tears or succumbing to them, Jo plopped down and tried to remember how long it took for Iendil to come back to life last time. Because in case the wench did return, she wanted to be prepared and not caught off guard. But, for the life of her, Jo could not remember the time frame. She had spent most of it in a state of naïve bliss, unaware of what awaited only days later. She suppressed a shudder and hoped that falling into a chasm took longer to revive from than goring yourself with your own sword. At that happy thought, she couldn't help but smile: both were fates she wouldn't wish on her worst enemy…but Iendil was a Sue, and that was an exception.

"Get them up. By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs."

_And now we're going to…Lothlorien. _As the Quest progressed, Jo found it harder and harder to live by the books, as her memory of them got a tad bit foggier with each place they went to. She was more or less living each day as it came. Especially since what she knew of the time frame could be easily screwed up by Iendil's complete disregard for canon.

The journey to Lorien didn't take long, but Jo found it quite dizzying to walk in the bright sunlight after days underground. She spent the first part of the day's walk stumbling into boulders and stumps. Arriving at Lorien was well worth it, though. The first step into the woods is like entering another world. Even though that wasn't the first time she's done such a thing…

But this time she didn't have an aggravating Mary Sue to contend with. However temporarily.

"Yoo hoo!!!!1"

Jo let out a most foul curse in elvish that she had learned from the twins during her stay in Rivendell. Legolas and Aragorn looked quite amused, despite the greenish tinge of nausea that adorned their faces.

Iendil suddenly came swooping down from the sky with a pair of pure white wings protruding from her back. She landed lightly on the ground in the midst of the group, her numerous skirts swirling around her.

Since the entire group was quite used to all the weird crap that Iendil does, it took them several seconds before they all had one massive, simultaneous double-take at the feathery objects on her back.

"WHAAT the heck are those?!" Jo screeched.

Iendil giggled. "Well, like, it like turns out that while I was falling, I like forgot that since I'm like amazing I can like fly! So I did and followed u all like here. Yay!!!1"

"WHY, VALAR, WHY???" 

The meeting with Galadriel was…painful. It involved uncomfortable silence among the Company, and Galadriel trying to keep her poise while Iendil made Bambi eyes at her husband. Celeborn either did not notice, or was wishing veeerry hard for the creepy girl to go away.  
Then they were lead to the clearing where they would sleep at night. Iendil had wandered off, but no one was complaining. Well, perhaps the Elves of Lorien, but they haven't had to deal with her for half as long as the rest of the members of the Quest.

Jo flopped down on her blankets with a heavy sigh. "I thought we had earned a few day's respite from Her Annoyingness, but I guess not."

"The Valar have a nasty sense of humor," Aragorn mused.

"Why, they probably don't want her in the Halls of Mandos anymore than we want her here!" Legolas muttered, shaking his head.

"I can't say that I really blame them," added Pippin, making a face.

Their complaints were interrupted by the sight of Iendil entering the clearing, decked out in a crazy outfit, with flowers glue in random places. She was attached to Haldir's arm, much to his dislike. They could practically see the vein twitching in his temple from across the clearing.

"My dear like friends," Iendil cooed. "I would like like you to like meet my betrothed, Haldir."

Boromir fell off the log on which he was perched. Aragorn and Legolas looked dumbfounded. "Haldir, is this true?!"

"Tee hee, of course like it is!" Iendil answered for him. But behind her, Haldir was furiously shaking his head. "We have like been betrothed since like we were children, but then I was like transported to like Earth by an evil like witch and I forgot like all about him! But now I'm baaack."

Haldir shuddered violently, and Iendil dragged him off to do who KNOWS what.

Jo stood there gaping, and she wasn't alone.

"…I think perhaps we should go see Lady Galadriel." Frodo sighed. 

Even as a powerful Elven Lady, Galadriel was not faring much better than the rest of them.

"That's a nasty twitch you've developed, Lady Galadriel..." Jo said, amused. "So you've noticed..." she responded dryly.

"Noticed? More like known from experience…She has that effect on people."

"I was fine with her and the poor Marchwarden--he could stand to perhaps settle down. But when she started going after my husband..."  
"Oh no she didn't."

"Oh, indeed she did."

"Whatta ho."

"I do not understand your terminology, but if you are commenting on her impropriety, I agree most whole-heartedly."

"The question is…" began Aragorn, "What are we going to DO about it…"

TBC…


	19. A New Plan

Sorry for the extremely long wait. Life has been crazy busy for me lately…long story short, I am now a high school graduate!! Anyhoo, here's a chapter that will hopefully make up for it.

Chapter 19: A New Plan

Jo's eyes took on a mischievous glint. "Oh, my dear lady Galadriel, do not think that I wasted all that time in the dark of Moria. I have been…plotting, if you will. Plotting, scheming up ways to…take care of our little friend." She looked thoughtful. "It's not a coincidence that all these musings took place after a particularly annoying incident with aforementioned 'friend'…"

Galadriel smiled knowingly.

"And this strange rant is also not coincidental with the extreme lack of sleep I have experienced over the past week…not at all…"

And, eager with the prospect of several days of freedom, the Company and Lady formed the first ever Middle Earth…Huddle, and began to converse in low tones about what was to be done.

When they broke, Jo was no longer the only one who was getting in touch with her evil side.

"I must say, that sounds positively excruciating…I like it!" Galadriel grinned.

Legolas glanced around. "Now…where is dear Haldir?"

Jo giggled into the back of her hand. Poor Haldir was not going to like this plan too much…

"SURELY YOU JEST!!!!!!"

It took Aragorn and Boromir combined to prevent the frazzled Elf from bolting into the forest. Galadriel was having a hard enough time maintaining her composure in explaining the plan without having to see the hilarious look on Haldir's face. "Haldir, it is the only way!"

"The only way in this PARTICULAR plan! My Lady, could you not just come up with a new course of action, instead of subjecting me to this torture?!"

"Haldir." The elf flinched at Galadriel's stern tone. "If you wish to be separated from this bane on your existence, then you'd do best to—"

"SUCK IT UP AND BE A MAN…or…Elf…" Jo interrupted, grinning.

Haldir let out a long-suffering sigh. "You people shall be the untimely death of me."

Iendil was sitting in the personal talen that she 'requested' (a.k.a. threw a hissy fit for…) later on that evening. She sat in front of an ornately decorated mirror, brushing her long hair so many times it was a miracle it was still attached to her head. A knock at the doorframe interrupted her humming songs about…herself.

She turned to see Haldir at the door, his hair down around his shoulders and minus a shirt. He might as well have been wearing a sign around his neck reading 'Fangirl's Beware'—if some hapless, lovesick girl were to happen upon him, well…they wouldn't be responsible for the nosebleeds that would ensue.

Iendil, on the other hand, was lower than a rabid fangirl.

Because she was an idiot.

"Wait…" she paused. For a full five minutes. "…Does this mean you like love me? Because I've never had a guy dressed like you like come to my door like late at night…this doesn't like happen often!!!"

From her hiding spot, Jo repressed a shout of glee. _Of course not!_

Haldir visibly grit his teeth, something that Jo could HEAR let alone see…yet Iendil didn't seem to notice.

"Oh, fair Iendil, may I tempt thee with a bath?"

Iendil sat in silence for a second. Okay, for several minutes.

"You mean…with like…you?"

Haldir nodded.

"………………….Naked?"

Haldir's eye twitched but he stuck to the plan. "That is how one tends to bath usually, my lady…"

Before he could blink, he was being dragged out the door. "What are we like waiting for??!!"

Jo could see the crocodile tears streaming out of Haldir's eyes as he was pulled by, after the blondish-pink whirlwind. She caught the rude hand gesture that he directed at the soft sound of her laughter, before disappearing around a corner.

Jo stood and ran after them, not wanting to miss the action.

"The bath is through here…" Haldir said, opening a door and pointing inside. "Ladies first."

Iendil went charging into the room and soon the entire Company was gathered around the door with Haldir to watch. Iendil shed her night gown, but luckily she hopped into the water so fast, no one saw anything.

Yes, she jumped in so fast, she didn't notice that Haldir was still at the doorway. She didn't notice the insane amount of steam coming off the water in the tub. She didn't notice the bubbles that indicated boiling water. And she didn't notice the temperature.

For about five seconds.

Soon she is screaming bloody murder and trying to claw her way out of the slippery tub as her 'delicate' skin is burned. She stands, slips, hits her head, and is down for the count under the boiling water. And she doesn't come back up. The boiled rose petals that exploded out of the water and disappeared in a puff of glitter told the audience that Iendil had indeed fully cooked and was off to be reincarnated…in a few days.

Merry let out a loud laugh. "Aw, she didn't even notice the candles we had set up for her!"

TBC…

I know, feel free to hate me, it's really short! But I wanted to get this up to give you all something for your patience. I'm going to try and write another chapter tomorrow and get it posted! Sorry sorry sorry!!!

CRC


	20. Safe For Now

So I just saw Harry Potter at the midnight premiere and again yesterday, and I thought it was AMAZING!!!

Just had to let that out…Anyway. Due to the fact that I have work all summer, college looming, and I'm trying to spend as much time with my friends as possible before we all go our separate ways, I haven't had much time to update. Therefore, this fic is only going to be the events in FotR. So I'm making this chapter VERY long, but sadly, it'll be the last. Thanks for reading and reviewing, everyone!

Chapter 20: Safe…for now

Lothlorien had become an Elven paradise once more. Now the Elves didn't have to skirt around corners, constantly on guard from obnoxious, hormonal teenagers in neon colors that are waiting to jump them. Actually, there was only one, but the way she got around, it seemed like a million.

Jo and the Fellowship were at a state of rest that they hadn't experienced since…well, before they met Iendil. Naturally. It was a time of peace, a time of calm…a time when every male in the vicinity didn't have to worry about a rabid pink and blonde blur trying to climb into their leggings.

Yes, all was well.

For about three days.

Pippin awoke on the fourth day, not knowing that in a few hours' time, he was going to be wishing he just kept sleeping.

After breakfast with Merry, Pippin went off on his own to explore the Golden Wood. No one questioned this, because they all assumed they were still safe from Her Horniness.

He came upon a crystalline lake, and someone was in it. The person turn around, and Pippin stumbled backwards in horror.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jo stretched out on the grass, relishing the peace and quiet. Three days without an inane giggle was a dream come true. That, and if she had to hear Iendil coo over her Orlando Bloom pictures again, she'd go abso-freakin-lutely insane. Though it was funny to watch Legolas's confusion at the pictures of the man that looked strangely like him.

Sam and Merry were next to her, smoking some pipe weed. Frodo joined them, and put on an impressive smoke ring show that consisted of smoky girls that looked oddly like a certain Sue getting attacked by giant smoke dragons.

"That's a good idea…" Jo mumbled thoughtfully.

Aragorn and Boromir entered the wood, just returning from a talk with Haldir while he was on border patrol. Legolas and Gimli were off with the Elves of Lorien.

Jo was just falling asleep when an ear-piercing yell made them all jump about five feet in the air.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Wassat?" She whirled around, searching out the source of the scream.

Aragorn winced. "I'm not sure, but I think that means our peace and quiet have run out."

"Well, obviously, since someone's going around yelling loudly, but—" Jo realized what he was indicating and her face fell. "…Oh. Noooo, she can't be back!"

"As fun as it was, we knew that boiling her alive was only going to be a temporary reprieve," Boromir pointed out.

"I knowww, but…"

"That yell sounded familiar…" Sam mused.

"HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!"

Merry jumped up, forgetting about his half-full pipe. "That's Pippin!" he exclaimed in a panicked voice.

Legolas came dashing into the clearing with Gimli on his heels…Or slightly farther behind…He seemed to have gotten to the point a lot faster than the rest of the members of the Quest. "That yell means that a certain young Hobbit is trapped all by himself in the company of one Iendil Ancawen! We must fly to him before she corrupts him!"

Jo flinched violently. "Let's hurry, please!"

They set off at a quick pace, not knowing what condition they were going to find poor Pippin in.

* * *

Whatever they were expecting, it certainly wasn't what they found.

A quite naked Iendil was sitting in the shallows of the lake with her arms around a quite traumatized Pippin, stroking his curly head affectionately. All the males of the group immediately averted their eyes, to the disappointment of the Sue. Jo, however, was not amused.

"That is IT!" she roared, storming into the water and getting soaked in the process. She wrenched the terrified Hobbit away from Iendil before she had a chance to latch onto him tighter. Not a moment too soon either, because Pippin was turning a rather spectacular shade of green at being in such close proximity to a highly indecent Mary Sue.

"I have HAD IT with your nonsense! Trying to break up relationships, corrupting innocent Hobbits, and just being an intolerable slut-face!!" Jo shrieked. Iendil stared at her like a deer in headlights while the rest of the Company gaped. It appeared that Jo had finally snapped.

Galadriel came upon the scene, with Celeborn at Haldir on either side, several minutes later. By that point, things had turned rather amusing.

Iendil was let out dainty little shrieks while holding a washcloth over herself in a fake attempt to be modest. Jo was being forcibly restrained by Boromir, Aragorn, and three Lorien Elves. Legolas was trying to coax a response out of a visibly stunned Pippin while the other Hobbits crowded around them, looking extremely anxious. Gimli was sharpening his axe and staring at Iendil's neck with an odd gleam in his eye.

"My goodness, things have gotten interesting in these woods," she remarked conversationally to her husband; but there was some force behind her words. At the sound of her voice, everyone stopped what they were doing—Jo stopped struggling, Iendil let out one last tiny squeak and wisely shut up, Gimli reluctantly put away his axe.

"My lady, I can explain—" Aragorn began.

Galadriel held up a hand, an amused look on her face. "You needn't explain anything, I can surmise what has occurred. But if you can come to a truce within the Company, I have news of importance to you." The Fellowship members all watched her, interested. "Orcs are on the move outside our borders. If you wish to escape without battle, you must leave soon."

Wordlessly, everyone stood and made their way back to camp. Their mission was not to be sidetracked by a silly bint. They had much more important things to do, and if the mission was in jeopardy, they must leave immediately.

Legolas helped support Pippin back to their belongings, and Jo was assisted to the healers to get something to help her relax. Iendil was left standing (still naked) in ankle-deep water, her plan shot to hell.

She scuffed her feet in the sand and whimpered to herself. "Poop."

* * *

"Finally, something I CAN do!" Jo was in much better spirits out on the river. Fighting, she was crappy at. Rowing, she could handle. Iendil was in the same boat as her, but Jo was in such a good mood she didn't spare her a thought, and the former was getting her sulk on for the better part of the day. There was one bad experience where Iendil attempted to push Jo off the boat for revenge, but an oar to the head quickly stopped all notions of vengeance.

"I like haaate you!" Iendil whined insistently.

"You're not exactly my favorite person either," Jo said sweetly before intentionally splashing her with the oar.

Several hours later, they reached the falls and Amon Hen. Jo was extremely upset that they were soon to lose Boromir, but something told her that it would not be a good idea to screw with canon, as much as she wanted to.

Iendil dragged herself ashore and didn't bother to help the others unpack. She flopped down and began to complain about dinner.

* * *

"Where's Frodo?"

That simple inquiry from Merry brought the camp into a state of slight chaos. Boromir was found to be gone to, and Aragorn suspected the worst. Everyone split up to search, which Jo knew would lead to no good.

Legolas fell back next to her. "Lady Jo?"

She forced a smile. "Just Jo, remember?"

"Forgive me. May I ask you a favor?" When she nodded he continued. "So that we do not have a repeat occurrence of Iendil's poor behavior, would you mind keeping an eye on her until we find Frodo? I would be much obliged."

Jo repressed a sigh. "Of course. Leave it to me."

Legolas flashed her a smile and sped away through the woods, pulling out his bow as he ran.

So, several minutes later, when Iendil darted into the woods, Jo had no choice but to follow.

As she ran, should could tell what Iendil was thinking. Mainly because in dramatic times like these, Iendil's thoughts had a habit of audibly projecting themselves. A voice echoed around the girls as they ran, one slightly behind the other.

_This is my like chance. My chance to like make things like right. If I like do something good, they will like all like me again!!!1_

Jo felt something wet hit her cheek and realized that crystalline tears were flying off Iendil's face. One tear hit her in the eye and she nearly fell over a root. Swearing, she hoped for the Sue's dramatic mood to pass. The voice boomed again.

_If I can like save Boromir, they will all like love me again! _

"Oh, _hell_ no!" Jo muttered, speeding up. But Iendil was wiry and had a good head start, so she reached the clearing about two minutes before Jo and was soon engaged amidst the orcs in what was to her a "heated battle".

Cursing, Jo pulled a weapon from the hands of a dead Uruk and attempted to defend herself. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and the two Hobbits entered the clearing just in time to watch helplessly with Jo as Iendil put her plan into action.

And by plan, that means throwing herself in front of the arrows that were to kill Boromir in the hopes of saving him…just to get back on the good graces of the Fellowship, not because she actually cared if the man lived or died.

But that's when something strange happened.

It seems that for all Iendil's screwing around—in both senses of the word—the reason her shenanigans had been allowed to continue was because she wasn't affecting the plot in a real, tangible way. Sure, she was torturing and traumatizing the characters, but the plot all in all remained the same. But it seems that the gods of canon were not going to put up with her messing with the story. Some higher being had obviously had quite enough.

Just before the arrows hit her, Iendil evaporated. She literally dissolved into thin air and the arrows hit the intended mark. In the confusion, the two Hobbits were carried off by Uruk-hai. Jo averted her eyes from Boromir's dying form, wishing him peace.

A strange warmth spread through her body and she had a feeling that her time was up in Middle-Earth as well. After all, it really was her purpose to thwart Iendil, and now that the Sue was gone, she was of no more use.

Jo caught Legolas's eye from across the clearing. He gave her a funny look when he saw the sad expression on her face. She gutted an Uruk and gave him a little wave of goodbye. The warmth spread, and suddenly she was no longer in the clearing. Her last view of Arda was the shocked face of a certain Elf prince as she undoubtedly disappeared just as Iendil had minutes before.

When Jo opened her eyes next, she was in her bedroom, sitting in her chair by the computer, which now seemed so foreign to her. She strained her memory and realized that this was where she last remembered being before the bright light had whisked her away to Middle-Earth. She shook her head, unsure if it was all a dream.

_If so, my imagination is pretty sick and twisted to come up with a character like Iendil…_

But the dirt and blood smudged on her clothes told her that it wasn't a dream. And that she wasn't going crazy. After cleaning up, she looked at the clock. Almost no time had passed since she had been gone.

Suddenly hit with a wave of boredom, Jo ambled downstairs to get a snack. She switched on the television in time to catch a strain of the news. The story caught her attention and she leaned forward, listening, forgetting the bowl of popcorn she held in her hand. What she saw and heard made her smile evilly and wish she could tell the members of the Fellowship. Sitting back and chuckling to herself, she sat back and dug into her popcorn, watching the rest of the story with the greatest of satisfaction.

"…And witnesses say that today a young woman in hysterics was escorted out of a local convenience store by the police, dressed like someone out of a fantasy novel. She claimed the name 'Lady Iendil Ancawen' and was reportedly causing quite a scene. Experts say that she is most likely insane and she is to be sent to a mental institution so as to not be a danger to society…Live on the scene, this is Lisa Lafferty, reporting."

END

Thanks so much for reading!!

Crazyroninchic


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